"The cycle of abuse is why you stayed, why you went back, why you believed them when they promised to change. The calm after the storm feels like peace. The apologies feel like awakening. The good times feel like the 'real' them finally emerging. But the cycle always turns. Tension builds. The explosion comes. And the wheel keeps spinning—until someone gets off."
What Is the Cycle of Abuse?
The cycle of abuse is a pattern first identified by psychologist Lenore Walker describing how abusive relationships typically operate in repeating phases. Rather than constant abuse, most abusive relationships cycle through periods of tension, explosion, reconciliation, and calm—then begin again.
Understanding the cycle is crucial because it explains why victims stay, why they return, and why the “good times” don’t mean the abuse is over.
The Four Phases
Phase 1: Tension Building
What Happens:
- Stress and irritability increase
- Minor incidents begin to occur
- Communication breaks down
- You feel like you’re walking on eggshells
- The atmosphere becomes charged
- You can sense something is coming
What You Experience:
- Anxiety about their mood
- Hypervigilance
- Trying to prevent the explosion
- Appeasing, caretaking, minimizing
- Feeling like it’s your job to keep things calm
What You Tell Yourself:
- “If I just do everything right…”
- “Maybe I can prevent it this time”
- “I shouldn’t provoke them”
Phase 2: Explosion (Acute Abuse)
What Happens:
- The abuse occurs
- Physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual violence
- The tension “releases” through abuse
- This may be a single incident or prolonged period
What You Experience:
- Fear, pain, humiliation
- Survival mode
- Shock even if it’s happened before
- The full force of their dysfunction
What You Tell Yourself:
- “I must have done something”
- “Maybe I deserved this”
- “It’s not that bad”
- “I need to survive this”
Phase 3: Reconciliation
What Happens:
- The abuser apologizes (may be genuine-seeming or fake)
- They promise to change
- They may shower you with attention, gifts, affection
- Excuses and explanations are offered
- They may cry, beg, promise
- Or they may minimize: “It wasn’t that bad”
What You Experience:
- Relief that the storm has passed
- Hope that they’ve finally seen the light
- Doubt about your own experience
- Wanting to believe their promises
- Gratitude for the kindness after cruelty
What You Tell Yourself:
- “They really mean it this time”
- “I can see they feel bad”
- “Maybe this was the wake-up call”
- “The person I love is back”
Phase 4: Honeymoon/Calm
What Happens:
- Things feel normal or even good
- The abuse seems like an aberration
- The relationship functions reasonably well
- You may feel happy, hopeful, connected
- The abuser may be charming and loving
- You remember why you fell in love
What You Experience:
- Peace and relief
- Hope for the future
- Connection with your partner
- Belief that the real relationship is the good times
- Forgetting or minimizing the abuse
What You Tell Yourself:
- “This is the real them”
- “See, we can be happy”
- “The bad times are over”
- “Maybe I overreacted”
Then… Back to Phase 1
The cycle always turns:
- Tension begins to build again
- Minor irritations return
- The sense of walking on eggshells creeps back
- And the wheel keeps spinning
Why the Cycle Matters
The Honeymoon Is Part of the Abuse
The good times aren’t separate from the abuse—they’re part of how abuse works:
- The contrast between phases strengthens attachment
- Hope is created then exploited
- The honeymoon reinforces staying
- Without honeymoons, most people would leave quickly
It Explains Why You Stayed
The cycle answers “why didn’t you just leave?”:
- You lived for the honeymoon phases
- You believed the promises
- The good times felt like the “real” relationship
- Hope kept you there
It Explains Why You Went Back
If you left and returned:
- You probably returned during honeymoon phase
- They promised change
- The contrast from abuse to reconciliation felt like proof
- The cycle pulled you back
Promises Without Change
Reconciliation phase promises are real… feelings:
- They may genuinely feel remorseful in the moment
- But feelings don’t create change
- Without intervention, the cycle continues
- Their promises are about the moment, not the future
The Cycle Over Time
Early Relationship
- Longer honeymoons
- Less severe explosions
- More convincing reconciliations
- The cycle is easier to miss
As Abuse Progresses
- Honeymoons shorten
- Explosions intensify
- Reconciliation becomes perfunctory
- The cycle speeds up
Eventually
- Honeymoon may nearly disappear
- Constant tension with periodic explosions
- Minimal reconciliation
- The pattern becomes more visible
Breaking the Cycle
What Doesn’t Work
- Hoping they’ll change
- Being “good enough” to prevent abuse
- Believing this reconciliation is different
- Waiting for the cycle to stop on its own
What Might Work
- Abuser getting serious, long-term professional help
- Complete honesty about the pattern
- Accountability without excuses
- Fundamental character change
- This is rare
What Usually Works
- Leaving the relationship
- The cycle doesn’t break—you exit it
- Safety planning for departure
- Support systems in place
- Recognizing the honeymoon will come, and staying firm
The Honeymoon Trap
When you decide to leave:
- They may offer a honeymoon
- They may promise change
- This is the cycle, not proof of change
- Staying through the honeymoon means waiting for the next explosion
For Survivors
If you’ve lived the cycle:
- The good times weren’t proof they could change
- The reconciliation was part of the pattern
- You weren’t foolish for believing—the cycle is designed to make you believe
- Hope kept you there; hope is human
- The cycle doesn’t stop on its own
You stayed because of the honeymoon, the hope, the promise that this time would be different. You stayed because you loved the person in the calm phase and believed that was the real them. You stayed because the cycle is designed to make you stay.
Now you know it’s a cycle. The reconciliation will come again. The honeymoon will come again. And then the tension. And then the explosion. The wheel keeps turning until someone gets off.
You can’t stop the wheel from inside it. But you can step off. You can break the cycle—not by fixing them, but by leaving them to their pattern while you build something new.
Frequently Asked Questions
The cycle of abuse is a pattern identified by researcher Lenore Walker describing how abuse typically occurs in repeating phases: tension building (walking on eggshells), explosion (acute abuse incident), reconciliation (apologies, promises), and honeymoon/calm (peace, the 'good times'). Then tension builds again.
The four phases are: 1) Tension Building - stress increases, walking on eggshells, minor incidents; 2) Explosion - acute abuse occurs; 3) Reconciliation - apologies, promises to change, remorse; 4) Honeymoon/Calm - peaceful period, the relationship feels good. Then the cycle repeats.
The cycle repeats because the underlying cause (the abuser's character, need for control, inability to regulate emotions) isn't addressed. The honeymoon phase gives hope that change has occurred, but without real intervention, the pattern continues. The cycle is self-reinforcing.
The honeymoon phase provides powerful intermittent reinforcement. After the pain of abuse, the reconciliation feels like relief and love. Victims believe the 'good times' represent the 'real' person. The cycle creates trauma bonding—the contrast between abuse and love strengthens attachment.
The cycle can only be broken through significant intervention—usually the abuser getting substantial professional help AND the victim establishing strong boundaries or leaving. The cycle rarely breaks on its own because the honeymoon phase removes pressure for change. Many survivors ultimately have to leave.
Phases vary greatly—tension building may last days or months, explosions may be brief or extended, honeymoon phases often shorten over time. As abuse progresses, cycles often speed up with shorter honeymoons. There's no standard timeline; the pattern matters more than the duration.
