"Digital abuse is coercive control adapted for the connected age. The narcissist doesn't need to follow you physically when they can track your location through your phone. They don't need to isolate you geographically when they can monitor every message you send. Technology has given abusers new tools—and survivors must learn new protections."
What Is Digital Abuse?
Digital abuse is the use of technology—phones, computers, social media, and digital devices—to stalk, harass, control, humiliate, or manipulate someone. It’s coercive control and abuse adapted for the digital age.
Digital abuse is:
- Real abuse, not “just online”
- Often part of broader abuse patterns
- Increasingly common
- Legally recognized in many jurisdictions
- Often continues or escalates after separation
Types of Digital Abuse
Monitoring and Surveillance
- Checking phone constantly
- Reading texts, emails, DMs
- Tracking location via apps, GPS, AirTags
- Installing spyware or keyloggers
- Monitoring browser history
- Accessing accounts without permission
Password and Account Control
- Demanding passwords
- Controlling access to accounts
- Logging into accounts without permission
- Changing passwords to lock you out
- Using your accounts to impersonate you
Social Media Control
- Telling you who you can follow/friend
- Monitoring your activity
- Demanding you share posts/photos
- Commenting or liking to mark territory
- Creating conflict about online interactions
- Forcing you to share location
Harassment Through Technology
- Constant texting when apart
- Demanding immediate responses
- Sending threatening messages
- Blowing up phone with calls/texts
- Creating multiple accounts to continue contact
- Harassment through gaming platforms
Image-Based Abuse
- Taking intimate images without consent
- Sharing intimate images without consent
- Threatening to share images
- Using images as leverage
- Revenge porn
Digital Isolation
- Controlling who you communicate with
- Limiting phone or internet access
- Monitoring all communications
- Punishing for online connections
- Cutting off communication with support people
Post-Separation Digital Abuse
- Stalking via technology
- Creating new accounts to contact you
- Monitoring through children’s devices
- Using shared accounts against you
- Harassment through legal/communication platforms
Signs Your Device May Be Monitored
Technical Signs
- Battery drains quickly
- Phone warm when not in use
- Unusual data usage
- Unknown apps installed
- Unexplained settings changes
- Camera/mic activating unexpectedly
Behavioral Signs
- They know information you only searched/texted
- They reference private conversations
- They show up unexpectedly where you are
- They know your schedule without being told
- They react to things they shouldn’t know
Account Signs
- Login notifications from unknown devices
- Password reset emails you didn’t request
- Account activity you don’t recognize
- Emails marked as read that you didn’t open
- Sent items you didn’t send
Digital Safety Steps
Immediate Actions
- Trust your instincts—if you suspect monitoring, act carefully
- Don’t search for help on monitored devices
- Use a friend’s phone or library computer for safety planning
- Consider getting checked for spyware
Device Safety
- New device they’ve never accessed (if possible)
- Factory reset existing device (after backing up safely)
- Change all passwords from a safe device
- Enable two-factor authentication
- Check all devices (tablets, computers, wearables)
Account Safety
- New email accounts they don’t know about
- Change passwords on all accounts
- Review recovery options (remove their info)
- Check connected apps and revoke unnecessary access
- Review privacy settings
Location Safety
- Check for tracking apps
- Turn off location sharing
- Check for AirTags or GPS trackers
- Disable location on photos before posting
- Be careful about check-ins or location tags
Social Media Safety
- Review privacy settings
- Limit who can see your posts
- Don’t accept requests from accounts you don’t recognize
- Be cautious about what you share
- Consider new accounts they don’t know about
Documentation
- Screenshot harassment and abuse
- Save threatening messages
- Document stalking behavior
- Keep records secure (not on shared devices)
- This evidence may be needed for legal protection
Resources for Digital Safety
Organizations
- National Network to End Domestic Violence: Safety Net project
- Tech safety resources from domestic violence organizations
- Local domestic violence advocates often have tech safety help
Professional Help
- Get devices checked by professionals
- Some DV organizations have tech specialists
- Consider consulting with cybersecurity professionals
If You’re Currently in the Relationship
If you’re still with the abuser:
- Be careful about changes they might notice
- Don’t search for resources on monitored devices
- Create separation gradually and safely
- Get support from domestic violence resources
- Include digital safety in your safety plan
After Leaving
Digital abuse often continues or escalates:
- Expect attempts to continue surveillance
- Block on all platforms
- Maintain security measures
- Document violations
- Include in restraining order requests
- Change devices if possible
For Survivors
If you’re experiencing digital abuse:
- It’s real abuse, not “just phone stuff”
- Your privacy and safety matter
- You’re not paranoid—trust your instincts
- Help is available
- You can take steps to protect yourself
Technology should connect and empower you—not control and harm you. When someone uses technology as a weapon, that’s abuse. The digital space is part of your real life, and violations there are real violations.
Your privacy is a right. Your communications are yours. Your devices should be safe. Reclaiming your digital life is part of reclaiming your safety and freedom. The tools exist to protect yourself. You can learn to use them.
Frequently Asked Questions
Digital abuse is using technology to control, harass, stalk, or harm someone. It includes: monitoring phones and devices, controlling social media, tracking location, sharing intimate images without consent, online harassment, password theft, and using technology to extend control.
Examples include: demanding access to accounts and passwords, checking phone constantly, tracking location via apps, monitoring messages and emails, controlling who you follow/friend, posting intimate images, using spyware, harassing online, and threatening via technology.
Abusers use technology to: track location (GPS, apps, AirTags), monitor communications (spyware, account access), control social connections (demanding passwords, monitoring followers), isolate (limiting phone/internet access), and extend harassment post-separation.
Signs include: battery draining quickly, phone warm when not in use, they know things you only texted/searched, unfamiliar apps, account logins from unknown devices. If suspected, get device checked by professional. Consider a new device the abuser hasn't accessed.
Document everything (screenshots, records), change passwords on a safe device, consider a new phone/accounts, check for tracking software, review privacy settings, contact domestic violence tech safety resources, and include digital safety in your safety plan.
Yes. Digital abuse is real abuse with serious psychological impacts. It violates privacy, enables stalking, extends control, and can escalate. Courts increasingly recognize digital abuse. The harm is real regardless of the medium. Take it seriously.
