Isolation

What is Isolation in Narcissistic Abuse?

Isolation is a systematic pattern of separating a victim from their support network—friends, family, colleagues, and anyone who might provide alternative perspectives or support. It’s a key control tactic because isolated victims are easier to manipulate, have fewer resources for leaving, and no one to validate their perception of reality.

Isolation rarely happens suddenly. It’s typically a gradual process that the victim often doesn’t recognise until they find themselves alone.

How Narcissists Isolate Their Victims

Creating conflict: Engineering situations that cause rifts between you and your loved ones.

Criticism of others: Constantly criticising your friends and family. “Your sister is so negative.” “Your friend doesn’t really have your best interests at heart.”

Time monopolisation: Demanding all your time, becoming upset when you spend time with others.

Geographic moves: Relocating you away from your support network—for “opportunity” or “adventure.”

Financial control: Making it difficult to see others by controlling money for travel, activities, or communication.

Jealousy as love: Framing possessiveness as proof of deep love. “I just can’t bear to share you.”

Exhaustion: Keeping you so emotionally depleted you don’t have energy for other relationships.

Embarrassment: Behaving badly in front of others so you stop bringing them around.

After the fact criticism: Punishing you after social events so you begin avoiding them.

The Gradual Process

Isolation typically progresses through stages:

Early relationship: Intense focus on you feels romantic, not controlling.

Testing: Small objections to your time with others gauge your compliance.

Escalation: More frequent conflicts about your relationships, increasing demands for your time.

Conflict creation: Active sabotage of your other relationships.

Dependence: You find yourself without support, increasingly dependent on them.

Normalisation: Isolation feels normal; you’ve forgotten what connection felt like.

Why Isolation Works

No reality check: Without outside perspectives, the narcissist’s reality becomes your only reference point.

No support for leaving: No one to turn to makes leaving seem impossible.

Increased dependence: All emotional needs must be met by the narcissist, increasing your attachment.

No witnesses: No one sees the abuse, making it easier to deny.

Shame: Isolation breeds shame about the relationship, which prevents reaching out.

Gaslighting is easier: Without others validating your perceptions, you doubt yourself more.

Signs You’re Being Isolated

• You’ve lost contact with friends you used to see regularly
• Family relationships have become strained
• You feel uncomfortable about friends or family knowing details of your relationship
• Your world has shrunk to primarily include just you and your partner
• You need “permission” to see others
• Plans with others frequently get disrupted or cause conflict
• You feel like nobody would understand what you’re going through
• You’ve stopped sharing honestly with the people who remain

The Isolation Trap

Once isolated, you may:

• Feel too ashamed to reconnect with neglected relationships
• Believe people have moved on and don’t care about you
• Have difficulty trusting anyone after the narcissist’s criticism of others
• Lack the practical resources to maintain connections
• Fear the narcissist’s reaction to your reconnection attempts

These feelings keep you trapped in isolation even when the opportunity to reconnect arises.

Breaking Isolation

Recognise the tactic: Understanding that isolation is deliberate, not accidental.

Reach out anyway: Even if you feel ashamed, try reconnecting. Most people understand more than you expect.

Start small: A text, an email. Reconnection doesn’t have to be instant.

Be honest (to a degree): You don’t have to share everything, but honesty about being “out of touch” helps.

Use professional support: Therapists, support groups, domestic violence advocates don’t require reciprocity.

Online resources: Forums, support groups, and resources for narcissistic abuse connect you with others who understand.

Build gradually: Rebuilding a network takes time. Each connection matters.

What Reconnection Looks Like

When reaching out to old friends or family:

• Many will welcome you back without judgment
• Some may need time to trust again
• A few may have moved on
• You may need to apologise for distance without over-explaining
• New boundaries may be needed in restored relationships

Research & Statistics

• 99% of domestic violence victims report their abuser used isolation tactics, making it the most common form of coercive control (Stark, 2007)
• Research shows isolated abuse victims are 7 times more likely to experience severe physical violence than those with intact support networks (Goodman et al., 2005)
• Studies indicate victims lose an average of 5-7 close relationships during abusive relationships due to deliberate isolation tactics (Johnson, 2008)
• 85% of survivors report their abuser criticised their friends and family as a primary isolation strategy (Bancroft, 2002)
• Research demonstrates that social support is the strongest predictor of recovery from intimate partner violence, emphasising the damage of isolation (Coker et al., 2002)
• Studies show 70% of isolated victims believe they have no one to turn to, even when support would be available (Sullivan & Bybee, 1999)
• Geographic moves instigated by abusers occur in approximately 40% of abusive relationships, often multiple times (Riger et al., 2002)

For Survivors

If you’ve been isolated:

• This was done to you, not by you
• The shame you feel was engineered to keep you trapped
• People probably understand more than you think
• Reconnection is possible, even after years
• Building new connections is also valid
• You deserve support, community, and connection

Isolation was one of their most powerful tools. Reconnection is one of yours.