"The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is the moment of leaving. Narcissists who are losing control may escalate to violence they would not have risked before. Safety planning is not paranoia---it is survival."- From Protection and Escape, The Danger of Leaving
What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence, also called intimate partner violence (IPV), is a pattern of behaviour used to establish and maintain power and control over an intimate partner. While often associated primarily with physical violence, domestic violence encompasses physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, and financial abuse.
Understanding domestic violence through the lens of power and control—rather than isolated incidents of anger—helps survivors recognise the full scope of what they’ve experienced and understand why leaving is so complicated.
Forms of Domestic Violence
Physical abuse: Hitting, pushing, choking, restraining, throwing objects, physical intimidation.
Emotional abuse: Insults, humiliation, criticism, put-downs, name-calling, public embarrassment.
Psychological abuse: Gaslighting, threats, intimidation, controlling behaviour, isolation.
Sexual abuse: Coerced sex, reproductive coercion, sexual degradation, marital rape.
Financial abuse: Controlling money, preventing employment, creating financial dependence, ruining credit.
Digital abuse: Monitoring communications, tracking location, using technology to control.
Coercive control: The overarching pattern of domination through multiple tactics.
The Power and Control Wheel
The Duluth Model’s Power and Control Wheel shows how various tactics work together:
- Using intimidation
- Using emotional abuse
- Using isolation
- Minimising, denying, blaming
- Using children
- Using male privilege (or other power imbalances)
- Using economic abuse
- Using coercion and threats
Physical and sexual violence are the outer ring—the enforcement mechanism for the inner wheel of controlling tactics.
Narcissistic Abuse and Domestic Violence
Narcissistic abuse is a form of domestic violence characterised by:
Psychological tactics: Heavy reliance on manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse.
Cycle of idealisation/devaluation: Love bombing followed by cruel devaluation.
Covert methods: Abuse that’s often invisible to outsiders.
Denial and minimisation: The narcissist denies or reframes abuse.
Control through supply: Maintaining control to ensure narcissistic supply.
Many domestic violence relationships involve narcissistic abusers, and many narcissistic relationships meet the criteria for domestic violence.
Why Victims Stay
Leaving domestic violence is complicated by:
Trauma bonding: The neurological attachment created by intermittent reinforcement.
Financial dependence: Economic abuse makes leaving practically difficult.
Safety concerns: Leaving is the most dangerous time—homicide risk increases.
Children: Concerns about custody, child support, or exposing children to conflict.
Isolation: Support networks have been systematically destroyed.
Shame and stigma: Embarrassment about the relationship or not being believed.
Hope for change: The cycle includes “good times” that renew hope.
Immigration status: Abusers may threaten deportation.
Religion or culture: Pressure to maintain marriage regardless of abuse.
Normalisation: Growing up with abuse may make it seem normal.
The Danger of Leaving
Survivors who leave face real dangers:
Increased violence: Many abusers escalate when control is threatened.
Stalking: Post-separation stalking is common.
Homicide risk: Leaving is when domestic violence homicides most often occur.
Economic hardship: Financial abuse may leave survivors with nothing.
Custody battles: Abusers often use family court as continued abuse.
This is why “just leave” advice, while well-meaning, fails to understand the complexity and danger involved.
Safety Planning
If you’re considering leaving:
Before leaving:
- Document abuse safely (hidden location, trusted person)
- Build financial resources secretly if possible
- Identify safe places and supportive people
- Prepare go-bag with essentials
- Create safety plan for leaving
During leaving:
- Leave when they’re not there if possible
- Have support person present
- Take children, documents, necessities
- Go somewhere they don’t know about
After leaving:
- Vary routines to avoid predictability
- Update security measures
- Consider protection orders
- Maintain strict no contact
- Get professional support
Resources and Help
Emergency: If in immediate danger, call emergency services (911 in US, 999 in UK)
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (US)
Online chat: thehotline.org (US)
UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247
Australia: 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732)
Canada: sheltersafe.ca for shelter locations
Local domestic violence agencies can provide shelter, legal advocacy, counselling, and practical support.
For Survivors
You are not responsible for the abuse you experienced. The tactics used against you were designed to make leaving difficult—struggling to leave is a normal response to abnormal circumstances, not a character flaw.
Domestic violence is about power and control, not your worth or your behaviour. Help is available, and leaving—when you’re ready and it’s safe—is possible.
Research & Statistics
- 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner violence in their lifetime (CDC, 2020)
- The most dangerous time is leaving: 75% of domestic violence homicides occur during or after separation (Campbell et al., 2007)
- Survivors return to abusive relationships an average of 7 times before leaving permanently
- Psychological abuse is present in 95% of domestic violence cases, often preceding physical violence (Follingstad et al., 1990)
- Economic abuse occurs in 98% of abusive relationships, creating financial barriers to leaving
- Children exposed to domestic violence are 3-4 times more likely to experience abuse in their own adult relationships
- Coercive control (recognized legally in UK since 2015) is present in virtually 100% of intimate partner homicides reviewed retrospectively (Stark, 2007)
A Message of Hope
Millions of survivors have escaped domestic violence and rebuilt their lives. Recovery takes time, but life after abuse can be genuinely good—often better than survivors imagined possible while they were in the relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions
Narcissistic abuse is a form of domestic violence characterised by psychological tactics, gaslighting, cycles of idealization and devaluation, covert methods invisible to outsiders, and control through manipulation for narcissistic supply.
Leaving threatens the narcissist's control, often triggering escalation including increased violence, stalking, and the highest risk period for domestic violence homicide. Safety planning is essential before leaving.
Prepare a go-bag, document abuse safely, build financial resources secretly, identify safe places, create a safety plan, leave when they're absent if possible, go somewhere they don't know about, and maintain strict no contact after leaving.
Victims stay due to trauma bonding, financial dependence, safety concerns, worry about children, isolation from support, shame, hope the abuser will change, immigration status, religious or cultural pressure, and normalisation of abuse.
Resources include the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 in US), local domestic violence agencies offering shelter and advocacy, trauma-informed therapists, and legal professionals experienced with high-conflict cases.
