"Cyber-stalking by narcissistic ex-partners has become an epidemic. They create fake profiles to monitor your activity, recruit mutual friends as flying monkeys to report on your posts, and weaponise information gathered online."- From Protection and Escape, Social Media and Digital Boundaries
What is Stalking?
Stalking is a pattern of repeated, unwanted attention, contact, or behaviour directed at a specific person that causes them to feel fear, distress, or concern for their safety. Unlike a single incident of unwanted contact, stalking involves a course of conduct—a pattern of behaviour over time.
In the context of narcissistic abuse, stalking often emerges or intensifies when the victim attempts to leave or establish no contact.
The Legal Definition
While definitions vary by jurisdiction, stalking typically includes:
- Repeated following or surveillance
- Unwanted communication (calls, texts, emails, social media)
- Showing up uninvited at home, work, or other locations
- Sending unwanted gifts
- Monitoring through technology
- Threats or intimidation
- Third-party harassment (using others to contact or gather information)
The key elements are: pattern of behaviour, unwanted nature, and causing fear.
Stalking vs. Hovering vs. Hoovering
| Stalking | Hovering | Hoovering |
|---|---|---|
| Criminal behaviour | Lurking/monitoring | Reconnection attempts |
| Causes fear | Creates unease | Seeks re-engagement |
| Persistent despite clear rejection | Maintains proximity | Tests willingness to respond |
| May involve threats | Usually indirect | Often appears benign |
| Legal consequences | Legal grey area | Typically not illegal |
Stalking is where hovering and hoovering can escalate when boundaries are maintained.
Why Narcissists Stalk
Loss of control: You leaving threatens their sense of power.
Narcissistic injury: Rejection is intolerable; they must “win.”
Supply maintenance: They refuse to accept loss of a supply source.
Entitlement: They believe they have the right to access you.
Obsession: You’ve become an extension of them they can’t release.
Punishment: Stalking punishes you for leaving.
Fear of exposure: They need to know what you’re saying about them.
Common Stalking Behaviours
Physical stalking:
- Following you
- Showing up at your home, work, gym, or regular locations
- Driving by your house
- Waiting outside locations
- Breaking in or trespassing
Cyber stalking:
- Monitoring social media
- Hacking accounts
- GPS tracking
- Spyware on devices
- Creating fake profiles to monitor you
- Excessive emails, texts, calls
Proxy stalking (through others):
- Using mutual friends to gather information
- Sending others to check on you
- Manipulating family to report your activities
- Using children for information (in co-parenting situations)
The Escalation Risk
Stalking often escalates, particularly when the narcissist faces:
- Continued rejection
- Loss of other supply
- Narcissistic collapse
- Your involvement with someone new
- Legal consequences
- Public exposure
Research shows that narcissistic and psychopathic traits correlate with more persistent and dangerous stalking behaviours.
Safety Planning
Documentation:
- Keep records of all incidents with dates, times, locations
- Save all communications (don’t delete)
- Screenshot social media activity
- Photograph any evidence (gifts, damage, presence)
Security measures:
- Vary your routine
- Secure your home
- Review social media privacy settings
- Check devices for spyware
- Inform trusted people of the situation
- Consider security cameras
Legal options:
- Report to police (every incident)
- Seek a protection order/restraining order
- Consult a lawyer specialising in harassment
- Know your jurisdiction’s stalking laws
Support:
- Domestic violence hotlines
- Victim advocates
- Therapy for trauma
- Trusted support network
What NOT to Do
Don’t engage: Any response—even negative—rewards the behaviour.
Don’t confront: Direct confrontation can escalate danger.
Don’t negotiate: There’s nothing to negotiate; you’ve said no.
Don’t warn them about legal action: Just take it.
Don’t try to reason: They’re not operating on reason.
Don’t minimise: Trust your fear; if it feels wrong, it is.
When Stalking Becomes Dangerous
Increased risk factors include:
- History of violence
- Access to weapons
- Substance abuse
- Recent major losses (job, other relationships)
- Explicit or implicit threats
- Escalating behaviour despite consequences
- Personality disorders (especially antisocial traits)
- Prior violation of protection orders
If these factors are present, take immediate safety measures and involve professionals.
Research & Statistics
- Studies indicate 61% of female stalking victims and 44% of male victims are stalked by current or former intimate partners (CDC, 2022)
- Research shows individuals with narcissistic traits are 3 times more likely to engage in stalking behaviour following relationship termination (Dutton, 2007)
- 76% of femicide victims were stalked by their killer in the year before the murder, highlighting stalking as a critical danger indicator (McFarlane, 1999)
- Cyberstalking has increased by 400% since 2010, with 1 in 4 stalking victims reporting technology-facilitated harassment (Stalking Prevention, Awareness, and Resource Center, 2023)
- Studies find stalking victims experience PTSD at rates of 24-35%, with depression rates of 37% and anxiety at 48% (Pathé & Mullen, 1997)
- Research indicates only 50% of stalking victims report to police, though reports have increased by 65% following awareness campaigns (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2021)
- Protective orders are violated in approximately 40% of stalking cases, emphasizing the need for comprehensive safety planning beyond legal measures (Logan, 2010)
For Survivors
Stalking is not flattering. It’s not love. It’s not proof of how much they care. It’s a continuation of the control they exercised during the relationship—an insistence that you don’t have the right to leave, to have boundaries, to be free of them.
Your fear is valid. Trust your instincts. Document everything. Involve authorities. You have every right to live without being watched, followed, monitored, and intimidated.
Leaving a narcissist is the most dangerous time, and stalking is often part of that danger. Take it seriously, protect yourself, and don’t let anyone minimise what you’re experiencing. Your safety matters more than their feelings, their reputation, or the discomfort of involving police.
You are not overreacting. You are protecting yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions
Narcissists stalk because they can't tolerate loss of control, experience narcissistic injury from rejection, refuse to accept loss of a supply source, feel entitled to access you, and may seek to punish you for leaving.
Document all incidents with dates and details, vary your routine, secure your home and devices, check for spyware, report to police, seek protection orders, inform trusted people, and never engage even to tell them to stop.
Signs include following you, showing up uninvited at locations, excessive unwanted communication, monitoring your social media, GPS tracking, hacking accounts, using others to gather information, and sending unwanted gifts.
Focus on your safety first rather than warning others. Any engagement, including warnings, provides supply. If children are at risk or illegal activity is occurring, report through appropriate legal channels instead.
Stalking becomes more dangerous with history of violence, access to weapons, substance abuse, recent major losses, explicit threats, escalating behaviour despite consequences, and prior violation of protection orders. Take immediate safety measures if these factors exist.
