"The strategy works because narcissists are fundamentally bored by anything that does not reflect or feed their grandiosity. If you become boring, you become useless as a supply source. They will eventually redirect their attention to more responsive targets."- From Protection and Escape, Grey Rock Method
What is Hovering?
Hovering is the behaviour of maintaining proximity or awareness without direct contact. Unlike hoovering (active attempts to pull you back), hovering is staying in your orbit—watching, checking up on, showing up at the edges of your life—without necessarily initiating full engagement.
Hovering keeps you aware of their presence and maintains their access to information about you, even when direct contact has ended.
Hovering vs. Hoovering
| Hovering | Hoovering |
|---|---|
| Maintaining proximity | Active reconnection attempts |
| Watching, lurking | Contacting, reaching out |
| Staying in orbit | Trying to pull back in |
| Indirect presence | Direct engagement |
| Information gathering | Supply seeking |
Hovering often precedes hoovering—they observe before making their move.
Examples of Hovering
Social media:
- Watching your stories but not liking
- Checking your profile regularly
- Maintaining mutual friends who report back
- Posting things intended for you to see
Physical:
- “Coincidentally” showing up where you are
- Driving by your house or workplace
- Attending events they know you’ll be at
- Frequenting your regular places
Through others:
- Asking mutual friends about you
- Staying close to your family
- Cultivating relationships with your connections
Digital:
- Checking your LinkedIn or professional profiles
- Monitoring your online activity
- Keeping tabs through mutual accounts
Why Narcissists Hover
Keeping options open: You might be useful again.
Control maintenance: Staying in your awareness maintains power.
Information gathering: Learning about your life, relationships, vulnerabilities.
Jealousy/possessiveness: Monitoring you even if they don’t want you.
Supply check: Assessing whether you’re available if they want to return.
Pre-hoover reconnaissance: Preparing for reconnection attempts.
How Hovering Affects You
- Creates ongoing anxiety
- Prevents full closure
- Keeps you thinking about them
- Makes you feel watched
- Interferes with moving on
- Can escalate to stalking
- Maintains indirect control
Recognising You’re Being Hovered
Signs:
- They view your social media but don’t engage
- You hear through others that they’ve asked about you
- They keep showing up in spaces connected to you
- Mutual friends mention them often
- You feel their presence without direct contact
- Things suggest they know what you’re doing
Responding to Hovering
Social media:
- Block completely across platforms
- Adjust privacy settings
- Ask mutual friends not to share information
- Consider removing mutual connections
Physical hovering:
- Document incidents
- Vary your routine
- Be aware of your surroundings
- Consider legal options if it becomes stalking
- Don’t engage if you see them
Through others:
- Ask trusted people not to share information
- Be careful what you share with mutual connections
- Establish information boundaries with family
General:
- Maintain no contact even when you know they’re watching
- Don’t alter your life to avoid them (unless safety requires)
- Don’t engage, even to tell them to stop
- Document pattern in case of escalation
When Hovering Becomes Stalking
Hovering crosses into stalking when:
- It’s persistent and unwanted
- It causes fear or distress
- It involves following or tracking
- It escalates despite no engagement
- It interferes with your daily life
If this happens, consider:
- Documenting everything
- Legal consultation
- Protection orders
- Law enforcement involvement
Research & Statistics
- 78% of domestic abuse survivors report being monitored or tracked by their former partner after separation (Woodlock, 2017)
- Research shows 60% of stalking cases begin during the relationship, often as monitoring behaviour that escalates (Tjaden & Thoennes, 2000)
- Studies indicate social media monitoring occurs in 90% of technology-facilitated abuse cases (Freed et al., 2018)
- 85% of narcissistic abusers attempt some form of contact within the first year after separation, often beginning with hovering behaviours (Bancroft, 2002)
- Research shows victims experience 40% higher anxiety levels when aware they are being monitored, even without direct contact (Logan, 2010)
- 1 in 4 stalking victims report the perpetrator used technology to monitor them, with social media being most common (Baum et al., 2009)
- Studies indicate hovering behaviour predicts hoovering attempts with 70% accuracy; monitoring often precedes direct contact by 2-6 weeks (Mullen et al., 2009)
For Survivors
Hovering is designed to keep you unsettled, aware of their presence without the risk of your rejection. It’s a way of maintaining access to you without committing to full engagement.
The best response is no response. Continue your life. Block where possible. Don’t let their lurking change your behaviour (except for reasonable safety measures). The goal is to become so unrewarding and inaccessible that even hovering stops serving them.
You’re not responsible for managing their behaviour. You’re only responsible for protecting yourself and living your life.
Frequently Asked Questions
Hovering is when narcissists maintain proximity or awareness without direct contact—watching your social media, showing up at places you frequent, or asking mutual friends about you—staying in your orbit without full engagement.
Hovering is maintaining proximity and monitoring without direct contact, while hoovering involves active reconnection attempts to pull you back into the relationship.
Narcissists hover to keep options open, maintain control, gather information about your life, monitor whether you're available if they want to return, and prepare for potential hoovering attempts.
Block them completely on social media, adjust privacy settings, ask mutual friends not to share information, vary your routine, document incidents if hovering becomes stalking, and maintain no contact even when you know they're watching.
Hovering crosses into stalking when it's persistent and unwanted, causes fear or distress, involves following or tracking, escalates despite no engagement, or interferes with your daily life. Consider legal options if this occurs.
