Evidence Gathering

What Is Evidence Gathering?

Evidence gathering is the systematic collection and preservation of proof of abuse. It involves documenting incidents, saving communications, photographing injuries or damage, and creating a record that can support you in legal proceedings, custody battles, or protective order applications.

For survivors of narcissistic abuse, evidence gathering serves a dual purpose: it provides documentation for external use (courts, attorneys, authorities), and it provides documentation for yourself—a record that confirms reality when gaslighting has made you doubt your own perception.

Why Documentation Matters

In Legal Proceedings

• Courts rely on evidence, not just testimony
• “He said/she said” often favors whoever presents better
• Narcissists often appear credible and present well
• Documentation provides proof beyond your word
• Patterns become visible through accumulated records

For Yourself

• Counters gaslighting (“that never happened”)
• Confirms your perception was accurate
• Reminds you why you’re leaving
• Helps you trust your own experience
• Creates clarity when cognitive dissonance clouds things

For Safety

• Supports restraining orders
• Documents violations of orders
• Creates a record if escalation occurs
• Provides context for law enforcement
• Helps advocates and attorneys understand your situation

What to Document

Specific Incidents

For each incident, record:

• Date and time
• Location
• What happened (specific, factual details)
• Exact words said (if you remember)
• Your response
• Any witnesses present
• How you felt (this can matter)
• Any injuries or damage

Communications

Save and screenshot:

• Text messages
• Emails
• Voicemails (transcribe or keep audio)
• Social media messages
• Any written threats
• Documented phone calls (note date, time, content)

Physical Evidence

Photograph:

• Injuries (with date visible or documented)
• Property damage
• Evidence of stalking or surveillance
• Gifts/items that are part of manipulation
• Anything that might be relevant

Financial Abuse

Keep records of:

• Bank statements showing control or theft
• Credit card fraud
• Hidden assets or debts discovered
• Unauthorized purchases
• Financial threats

Custody-Related

Document:

• Violations of custody agreements
• Impact of their behavior on children
• Children’s statements (be careful—don’t coach or interrogate)
• Missed visitation or pickups
• Dangerous situations with children

Patterns

Note patterns over time:

• Cycles of abuse
• Escalation triggers
• Timing of incidents
• How behavior changes with audience

How to Document

Written Records

Keep a log or journal:

• Date and time each entry
• Write soon after incidents (memory fades)
• Be factual and specific
• Include exact words when possible
• Note your emotional state but focus on facts
• Use a format that shows it’s contemporaneous

Screenshots

For electronic communications:

• Screenshot immediately (messages can be deleted)
• Include date/time stamps in screenshots
• Save in multiple locations
• Back up to cloud storage
• Consider printing copies

Photos

For injuries or damage:

• Take photos as soon as safely possible
• Include something showing scale or date
• Take multiple angles
• Note date and context
• Seek medical attention when appropriate (creates records)

Audio/Video Recording

If legal in your jurisdiction:

• Know the laws (one-party vs. all-party consent)
• Record interactions when safe
• Even if not admissible, can help attorney understand
• Be aware of safety risks if discovered

Witness Information

Keep records of:

• Who was present
• What they saw or heard
• Their contact information
• Whether they’d be willing to provide statements

Keeping Documentation Safe

Security Is Critical

If the abuser finds your documentation:

• You may be in danger
• They may destroy evidence
• They may use it against you
• It may escalate the abuse

Safe Storage Options

• Cloud storage with a separate, secret account
• Email to yourself at a secure account they don’t know about
• With a trusted friend or family member
• At work (if safe)
• With your attorney
• With a domestic violence advocate
• Safety deposit box
• Multiple copies in multiple locations

Digital Safety

• Use private/incognito browsing when documenting
• Create accounts they don’t know about
• Use a device they can’t access
• Be aware of shared cloud accounts
• Don’t store on shared computers
• Password protect everything

Legal Considerations

Recording Laws

Recording conversations:

• One-party consent states: You can record conversations you’re part of
• All-party consent states: Everyone must agree to recording
• Check your jurisdiction: Laws vary
• Criminal vs. civil: Admissibility varies
• Even if inadmissible: May help attorney understand situation

Admissibility

Not all evidence is admissible in court:

• Illegally obtained recordings may be excluded
• Hearsay has limitations
• Authentication matters
• An attorney can advise on what will hold up
• Gather anyway—let lawyers sort admissibility

Chain of Custody

For potentially important evidence:

• Preserve original whenever possible
• Note when and how you obtained it
• Don’t alter or edit
• Keep metadata intact

What If You Haven’t Been Documenting?

Start Now

It’s never too late:

• Begin documenting going forward
• Write down what you remember from the past
• Note that past accounts are recollections
• Be as specific as possible with details
• Even partial documentation is valuable

Retrospective Records

When documenting past events:

• Write what you remember
• Include specific details that demonstrate accuracy
• Note approximate dates
• Mark clearly that these are memories
• They still have value as your account

Other Sources of Evidence

Even without your own documentation:

• Medical records
• Police reports
• Texts/emails still on devices
• Witness memories
• Financial records
• Photos on phone (check dates)
• Social media archives

For Safety Planning

Documentation supports safety planning:

• Provides evidence for restraining orders
• Documents violations of orders
• Creates record for law enforcement
• Helps attorneys with custody matters
• Shows pattern if escalation occurs

Continue gathering evidence as part of your overall safety plan.

For Survivors

If you’re living with or leaving a narcissist:

• Documentation is one of the most powerful tools you have
• It counters “that never happened”
• It supports you legally
• It reminds you what was real
• Start now, even if you didn’t before

Gaslighting made you doubt yourself. Documentation lets you trust the record when you can’t trust your gaslighted memory. It’s not paranoid—it’s protective. It’s not vindictive—it’s practical.

The narcissist relies on there being no evidence. Your documentation changes that. It creates a record that speaks when you’re too exhausted, too confused, or too disbelieved to be heard. It tells the story that the narcissist wants erased.

Keep writing. Keep saving. Keep photographing. The truth deserves a record. And you deserve to be believed.