"A restraining order is a piece of paper—it cannot physically stop someone. But it creates legal consequences for contact, establishes a documented record of the situation, and sometimes serves as a wake-up call that behavior will no longer be tolerated. It is one tool among many, neither magic shield nor worthless gesture."
What Is a Restraining Order?
A restraining order (also called a protective order, order of protection, or no-contact order depending on jurisdiction) is a legal document issued by a court that requires one person to stay away from another. It’s a civil court order that creates legal consequences for contact or proximity.
Restraining orders are one tool for protecting survivors of abuse, harassment, or stalking. They have real value but also real limitations—understanding both helps you decide if pursuing one is right for your situation.
Types of Restraining Orders
Terminology and types vary by jurisdiction, but common categories include:
Emergency/Temporary Orders
- Issued quickly (same day, ex parte—without the other party present)
- Provides immediate protection
- Lasts a short time (typically until a hearing)
- Lower standard of evidence
- Bridge to permanent protection
Permanent/Final Orders
- Issued after a hearing where both parties can present
- Lasts longer (varies: months to years, sometimes indefinitely)
- Higher standard of evidence
- Can be modified or renewed
Different Names by Jurisdiction
- Protective order
- Order of protection
- Restraining order
- No-contact order
- Personal protection order (PPO)
- Stay-away order
Check your local jurisdiction for specific terminology and types available.
What a Restraining Order Can Do
Prohibitions It Can Include
Depending on type and jurisdiction:
- No contact (in person, phone, text, email, social media, third parties)
- Stay-away distance (e.g., 500 feet from you, home, workplace, children’s school)
- Move-out order (must leave shared residence)
- Custody provisions (temporary custody, supervised visitation)
- Firearm surrender (must give up weapons)
- No interference with property
- Other specific prohibitions tailored to situation
What It Creates
- Legal consequences for violation
- Criminal record if violated
- Documentation of the situation
- Sometimes a deterrent effect
- Protection in custody matters
- Clear boundary with legal backing
What a Restraining Order Cannot Do
Physical Protection
A restraining order is a piece of paper. It cannot:
- Physically stop someone from approaching
- Guarantee your safety
- Prevent someone from making a choice to violate it
Immediate Enforcement
- Police may take time to arrive
- Violations must be reported and proven
- Enforcement varies by jurisdiction and officer
Change Someone’s Mind
- Some people respect legal consequences
- Others don’t care or see it as a challenge
- A restraining order doesn’t change personality
This isn’t to discourage getting one—it’s to ensure realistic expectations. A restraining order is one layer of protection, not a complete solution.
The Process
1. Gathering Information
Before going to court:
- Document incidents (dates, times, what happened)
- Gather evidence (messages, photos, reports)
- Know addresses and identifying information
- Consider consulting an advocate or attorney
2. Filing
- Go to your local courthouse (family court, domestic violence court, or civil court depending on jurisdiction)
- Fill out paperwork describing the abuse
- Some courts have advocates to help
- Filing fees may be waived for DV cases
3. Emergency/Temporary Order
- Present to a judge (often same day)
- Judge reviews your petition
- If granted, order is immediately effective
- Must be served on the respondent to be enforceable
- Sets date for full hearing
4. Service
- The other party must be officially notified (served)
- Usually done by sheriff, process server, or sometimes police
- Order isn’t enforceable until served
- They may be hard to locate—this can cause delays
5. Hearing
- Both parties can appear and present evidence
- You may need to testify
- They can contest the order
- Judge decides whether to grant permanent order
- Having evidence and witnesses helps
6. Permanent Order
- If granted, specifies duration and conditions
- Must be carried with you at all times
- Report any violations to police
- Can be renewed before expiration if danger continues
Evidence That Helps
When seeking a restraining order, helpful evidence includes:
- Documentation of incidents (written record, dates, details)
- Text messages, emails, voicemails (screenshots, saved files)
- Photos (injuries, property damage, unwanted contact)
- Police reports
- Medical records
- Witness statements
- Prior protective orders
- Any record of the abuse
If They Violate the Order
What to Do
- Document the violation (screenshot, save, photograph)
- Call police immediately
- Report the violation formally
- Keep records of all violations
- Notify the court if there are repeated violations
- Consider increasing safety measures
What May Happen
- They may be arrested
- Criminal charges may be filed
- Violations accumulate on record
- Sentencing can increase with repeated violations
- Sometimes: warning only (depends on jurisdiction, officer, severity)
The Reality
Enforcement varies. Some violations lead to arrest; others to frustrating lack of action. Having the order creates consequences that wouldn’t otherwise exist, even if enforcement isn’t perfect.
Narcissists and Restraining Orders
May Be Effective When
- The narcissist cares about their reputation/image
- They fear legal consequences
- The legal boundary registers as real
- Other people knowing matters to them
May Be Less Effective When
- They feel entitled to contact you
- They see the order as a challenge
- They believe rules don’t apply to them
- They’re willing to accept consequences
- They’re in a narcissistic rage
Retaliatory Orders
Some narcissists file their own restraining orders claiming victimhood:
- Known as “cross-petition” or counter-filing
- Part of post-separation abuse
- Document everything to counter false claims
- Courts can often recognize the pattern
- Legal representation helps
Considerations Before Filing
When It May Help
- You need a legal boundary
- Documentation will help custody case
- The person might respect legal consequences
- You want a record established
- It’s one part of a larger safety plan
When to Consider Carefully
- It may escalate the situation (weigh this risk)
- You’re not ready for them to know your location (court addresses may be visible)
- They may retaliate through court system
- Enforcement in your area is poor
- It might provoke rather than deter
Not a Replacement for Safety Planning
A restraining order is one tool. Continue:
- Safety planning
- Varying routines
- Telling trusted people
- Having resources ready
- Taking other protective measures
Getting Help
Victim Advocates
- Often at courthouse or through local DV organizations
- Help navigate the process
- May accompany you to hearings
- Free and confidential
Legal Aid
- Free or low-cost legal help may be available
- Attorneys can represent you in hearings
- Help if the other party has a lawyer
Domestic Violence Organizations
- Safety planning
- Support services
- Understanding of the dynamics
- Know local resources
For Survivors
Deciding whether to seek a restraining order is personal. Consider:
- Your specific situation and risk
- Whether it might help or escalate
- What other safety measures you have
- Available resources and support
A restraining order:
- Is not a magic solution
- Is not worthless
- Is one tool among many
- Creates legal protection that wouldn’t otherwise exist
- Requires ongoing safety planning regardless
You know your situation best. Whether you choose to pursue a restraining order or not, your safety planning should continue. Legal protection is one layer; it works best alongside other safety measures, support systems, and awareness.
Frequently Asked Questions
A restraining order (also called protective order or order of protection) is a legal document issued by a court that requires one person to stay away from another. It can prohibit contact, require distance, exclude from home or workplace, and sometimes address custody. Violations can result in arrest.
Generally: go to your local courthouse, fill out paperwork describing the abuse, present to a judge (often the same day for emergency orders), attend a hearing for a permanent order. Process varies by jurisdiction. Victim advocates can help navigate the system.
Depending on the type and jurisdiction, restraining orders can: prohibit the person from contacting you, require them to stay a certain distance away, remove them from a shared home, restrict contact with children, require surrender of firearms, and create legal consequences for violations.
It depends. Some abusers respect the legal boundary. Others see it as a challenge or don't care. A restraining order creates legal consequences for violation but cannot physically prevent contact. It's one safety measure, not a complete solution. Continue safety planning.
Violating a restraining order is a criminal offense. Document every violation, call police, keep records. However, enforcement varies—some violations lead to arrest, others to warnings. Having the order creates a legal record and consequences that wouldn't exist otherwise.
Yes. Some abusers file retaliatory restraining orders (called 'cross-petitions') claiming they are the victim. This is a known tactic. Document everything, get legal help if possible, and be prepared to present evidence. Courts can see through false claims, but it's stressful.
