"The honeymoon phase is the cruelest part of the cycle because it gives you exactly what you've been starving for—and makes you believe it will last. The kindness feels like awakening, like they've finally understood. But the honeymoon is not a destination. It's a phase. And phases, by definition, pass."
What Is the Honeymoon Phase?
In the cycle of abuse, the honeymoon phase is the period of calm and apparent love that follows the explosion (abuse incident) and reconciliation (apologies and promises). During this phase, the relationship feels good—sometimes even better than before the abuse occurred.
The honeymoon is when you remember why you fell in love, when you believe change is possible, when the abuse seems like a terrible exception to an otherwise good relationship. It’s also what makes leaving so difficult.
Characteristics of the Honeymoon Phase
The Abuser’s Behavior
- Kind, loving, attentive
- May be extra romantic or thoughtful
- Follows through on promises (temporarily)
- Is the partner you wanted them to be
- Seems genuinely changed
- May reference how good things are now
The Relationship
- Feels peaceful and connected
- Communication improves
- Conflict is minimal
- Affection returns
- The abuse feels far away
- Hope for the future rises
Your Experience
- Relief that the storm has passed
- Happiness and connection
- Belief that this is the “real” relationship
- Hope that it will last
- Minimization of past abuse
- Investment in the relationship deepening
Why the Honeymoon Phase Is Dangerous
It Creates False Hope
The honeymoon makes you believe:
- “They’ve finally changed”
- “This is who they really are”
- “The abuse was just a phase”
- “We’ve turned a corner”
But the honeymoon is the phase, not the abuse.
It Strengthens Attachment
The contrast between phases creates trauma bonding:
- Pain followed by pleasure bonds powerfully
- The relief of honeymoon after abuse is intoxicating
- You become attached to the cycle, not just the person
- The intermittent reinforcement strengthens connection
It Erases Memory
During the good times, the bad times seem:
- Far away
- Not that serious
- Maybe your fault
- Possibly exaggerated
- Unlike the “real” person
The honeymoon rewrites history.
It Removes Pressure for Change
When things are good:
- There’s no crisis to address
- Why rock the boat?
- The abuser sees no need to change
- Nothing forces confrontation with the pattern
The honeymoon allows the cycle to continue.
The Honeymoon and Leaving
If You Leave After Abuse
When you leave during the tension or explosion phases, the abuser often:
- Initiates a honeymoon
- Becomes the loving partner you wanted
- Makes promises and apologies
- Shows you the relationship you hoped for
This is why leaving is so hard.
The Trap
Going back during honeymoon feels like:
- Going back to the “good” relationship
- Giving them the chance they’ve earned
- Not throwing away something real
Actually, you’re:
- Going back into the cycle
- Waiting for the next explosion
- Teaching them that honeymoons work to get you back
Timing Is Everything
If you must make decisions about leaving:
- Make them during bad times, not good times
- Write yourself a letter during abuse to read during honeymoon
- Keep evidence accessible to remind yourself
- Consult support people during the honeymoon
- Don’t let the calm phase cloud your judgment
The Honeymoon Over Time
Early in the Relationship
- Honeymoons are longer
- The good times feel abundant
- The abuse seems like a small price
- You believe in the ratio
As Abuse Progresses
- Honeymoons shorten
- The good times become briefer
- The abuse seems harder to recover from
- The ratio shifts
Late Stage
- Honeymoon may nearly disappear
- Brief calm before more tension
- Perfunctory reconciliation
- The relationship becomes mostly difficult
Resisting the Honeymoon’s Pull
Remember It’s a Cycle
- This phase will end
- Tension will return
- Explosion will come
- This is pattern, not change
Keep Evidence Accessible
During honeymoon, you may doubt the abuse:
- Reread texts, journals, evidence
- Remember how you felt
- Don’t let the calm rewrite history
Stay Connected to Support
People who know the full picture:
- Can remind you of reality
- Won’t be fooled by honeymoon reports
- Can support you through the pull
Question “Change”
Real change requires:
- Acknowledgment of the pattern
- Professional help
- Accountability
- Time and consistency
- Not just a honeymoon phase
Plan During Clarity
If you’re planning to leave:
- Make concrete plans during bad times
- Don’t make decisions during honeymoon
- Know the honeymoon will come and plan for it
The Honeymoon Is Real—And Still Dangerous
The honeymoon phase isn’t fake:
- The love may be genuinely felt
- The remorse may be real in the moment
- The peace is actually peaceful
But real doesn’t mean permanent:
- Real feelings don’t prevent the cycle
- Genuine remorse doesn’t mean change
- Actual peace doesn’t stop future abuse
Both the abuse and the honeymoon are real. Both are the relationship. You don’t get one without the other in an abuse cycle.
For Survivors
If you’re in a honeymoon phase:
- Enjoy the peace if you’re staying
- But don’t let it erase what happened
- Don’t let hope override history
- Plan and prepare for the cycle to continue
- Know that the good times are part of the pattern
If you’re tempted to return during honeymoon:
- Remember why you left
- The person reaching out is the same person who hurt you
- The honeymoon doesn’t change what happened
- You’ll be entering the cycle, not escaping it
- The next explosion is already built into this good time
The honeymoon is not a destination. It’s not where the relationship settles if you’re just good enough, patient enough, forgiving enough. It’s a phase in a cycle. And cycles, by definition, keep turning.
The good times are real. And they’re not enough to make the bad times acceptable. You deserve good times without the price of abuse to get there.
Frequently Asked Questions
In the cycle of abuse, the honeymoon phase is the calm period after reconciliation when the abuser is kind, loving, and the relationship feels good. It follows the explosion (abuse) and reconciliation (apologies), providing a period of peace that keeps victims hoping and attached.
The honeymoon phase exists because abusers often genuinely feel remorse temporarily, want to maintain the relationship, and need to reset to continue the cycle. It's also what keeps victims in the relationship—the contrast between abuse and honeymoon creates powerful attachment.
Duration varies greatly—days to months. Early in abusive relationships, honeymoons tend to be longer. Over time, they typically shorten as abuse progresses. Some relationships eventually have almost no honeymoon period, moving directly from explosion to tension building.
No. The honeymoon feels real and good, but it's part of the abuse pattern, not separate from it. Both the abuse and the honeymoon are 'real'—both are the person. The honeymoon doesn't cancel out the abuse; it's part of how abuse functions.
When you leave during tension or after explosion, the abuser often initiates a honeymoon. This is when they're most loving, most apologetic, most changed-seeming. Going back during honeymoon feels like going back to the 'good' relationship. It's actually going back into the cycle.
Remember: the honeymoon is a phase, not a change. Keep evidence of abuse accessible to remind yourself of reality. Stay connected to support people. Know that the cycle will repeat. Write yourself a letter during bad times to read during honeymoon. Time your decision-making wisely.
