Radical Acceptance

What is Radical Acceptance?

Radical acceptance is a concept from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that means complete, non-judgmental acceptance of reality exactly as it is. “Radical” means total, complete, all the way—accepting with your whole being, not just intellectually.

Radical acceptance is acknowledging what has happened, what is happening, and what you cannot change—without denial, resistance, or judgment. It doesn’t mean you approve, like, or condone reality. It means you accept that it is real.

What Radical Acceptance Is NOT

Not Approval

Accepting that something happened doesn’t mean it was okay. You can fully accept that you were abused while completely condemning the abuse. Acceptance is about facts, not morality.

Not Forgiveness

Radical acceptance doesn’t require forgiving the narcissist. You can accept reality without forgiving anyone. Forgiveness is a separate decision entirely.

Not Weakness

Acceptance is often harder than resistance. It takes courage to face reality squarely rather than hiding in denial or exhausting yourself fighting what cannot be changed.

Not Passivity

Accepting what you cannot change frees you to change what you can. It’s strategic, not passive. Fighting unchangeable reality wastes energy better spent on healing and building a better future.

Not Giving Up

Acceptance isn’t resignation or defeat. It’s wisdom—knowing the difference between what can and cannot be changed, and responding accordingly.

Why Radical Acceptance Matters in Recovery

Suffering = Pain + Resistance

Pain is inevitable after abuse. But suffering has a second component: resistance. When you add “this shouldn’t have happened” to your pain, you add suffering to pain. Radical acceptance removes the resistance, leaving only the pain—which is more bearable.

Fighting Reality Exhausts You

When you refuse to accept what happened:

• You exhaust yourself in a battle you cannot win
• You remain stuck in the past
• You drain energy from healing
• You stay connected to the abuse
• You suffer the added pain of resistance

Acceptance Creates a Foundation

You cannot build on denial. You cannot heal what you won’t acknowledge. Acceptance—however painful—creates the stable ground from which healing can begin.

Freedom Comes Through, Not Around

The only way out is through. Acceptance is the path through. Avoiding, denying, or fighting reality keeps you circling the wound rather than passing through it.

What to Accept

The Abuse Happened

• It occurred
• It was real
• Your experiences were valid
• The damage is real
• This is part of your history now

They Were Who They Were

• The narcissist acted as they did
• They couldn’t or wouldn’t be different
• The person you thought they were didn’t exist
• Their behavior was their choice
• You cannot change who they were

You Cannot Change the Past

• What happened cannot unhappen
• Time moved in one direction
• The choices made were made
• The years spent were spent
• The past is fixed

Your Feelings Are Your Feelings

• You feel what you feel
• Your grief is yours
• Your anger is yours
• Your confusion is yours
• Feelings don’t require justification

Life Contains Pain

• Some things hurt
• Loss is real
• Not everything is fair
• Some questions have no answers
• Some wounds leave scars

How to Practice Radical Acceptance

Acknowledge Reality

State what is true, simply:

• “This happened.”
• “They did this.”
• “I cannot change it.”
• “This is my reality now.”

Without adding judgment, resistance, or “should.”

Release the “Shoulds”

Notice when you’re fighting reality:

• “They shouldn’t have…”
• “This shouldn’t have happened…”
• “It should have been different…”

“Should” is resistance. Replace it with “and yet it did.”

Accept Your Response

Accept not just what happened, but your feelings about it:

• “I feel devastated, and that makes sense.”
• “I’m angry, and I accept that.”
• “I’m grieving, and I allow it.”

Turn Toward What You Can Change

After accepting what is, focus on what’s possible:

• Your healing choices
• Your current boundaries
• Your future relationships
• Your present moment
• Your next steps

Accept Repeatedly

Acceptance isn’t a one-time event. You may need to accept the same reality many times:

• When grief resurfaces
• When anger returns
• When you discover new information
• When memories intrude
• When you slip back into resistance

Return to acceptance as many times as needed.

The Acceptance Process

Stage 1: Resistance

“This can’t be true. This shouldn’t have happened. I can’t accept this.”

This is natural. Fighting reality is a normal response to trauma.

Stage 2: Partial Acceptance

“I know it happened, but I hate that it did. Part of me still can’t believe it.”

Acceptance and resistance coexist. This is progress.

Stage 3: Working Acceptance

“I’m accepting this, even though it’s painful. I’m practicing letting go of resistance.”

Conscious, effortful acceptance. The work of healing.

Stage 4: Deep Acceptance

“This happened. It was what it was. I’ve integrated it into my story. I can move forward.”

Acceptance becomes the foundation rather than the struggle.

Challenges to Acceptance

It Feels Like Betrayal

Accepting might feel like:

• Letting them off the hook
• Saying it was okay
• Giving up the fight
• Betraying yourself

Remember: acceptance isn’t approval. You can accept reality while condemning what happened.

Anger Resists Acceptance

Anger says: “NO. This shouldn’t have happened.” Anger has its place, but eventually it must soften into acceptance—not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace.

Hope Resists Acceptance

Part of you may still hope:

• They’ll change
• They’ll apologize
• They’ll understand
• It will make sense
• The fantasy will come true

Acceptance means letting these hopes go. The hope was for something that doesn’t exist.

Identity Resists Acceptance

If your identity became “victim” or “fighter,” acceptance threatens that identity. Who are you if you accept? You are someone beginning to heal.

Acceptance and Grief

Radical acceptance and grief are intertwined:

• Acceptance requires grieving what you’re accepting
• Grief requires accepting what you’re grieving
• They happen together, not sequentially
• Both involve letting go
• Both lead toward peace

You cannot fully accept without grieving, and you cannot fully grieve without accepting.

Acceptance Doesn’t Mean

Staying in Contact

You can accept reality while maintaining no contact. Acceptance of what happened doesn’t require ongoing relationship.

Forgiving

Forgiveness is separate from acceptance. You may accept fully without forgiving at all. That’s okay.

Forgetting

Acceptance doesn’t erase memory. You remember what happened while accepting that it cannot be changed.

Moving On Immediately

Acceptance is the beginning of moving forward, not the end of processing. You can accept and still need time to heal.

Being Okay

Accepting something doesn’t mean you’re okay with it or that you feel okay. Acceptance can coexist with ongoing pain.

Phrases for Radical Acceptance

When practicing acceptance, try:

• “It is what it is.”
• “This is what happened.”
• “I cannot change this.”
• “I accept this moment as it is.”
• “Fighting this causes more suffering.”
• “I release my resistance.”
• “This is my reality, and I can live with it.”
• “I accept without approving.”
• “The past is the past.”
• “I am turning toward what I can change.”

For Survivors

If you’re struggling with acceptance:

• Acceptance is a practice, not a destination
• You can accept in pieces, over time
• Resistance is normal—notice it without judging yourself
• Acceptance doesn’t mean the abuse was okay
• You can accept and still be angry
• Acceptance is for you, not for them
• It’s okay to struggle with this

What happened to you was real, and wrong, and damaging. Accepting it doesn’t change any of that. But acceptance can change how much power it has over your present. Acceptance doesn’t alter the past—it alters your relationship to it.

You’re not accepting to let them off the hook. You’re accepting so you can finally set yourself free. The past cannot be changed. But your relationship to it can. That’s what acceptance offers: not a different past, but a different present—and through that, a different future.