"Every relationship, every interaction, every decision gets filtered through a single question: What's In It For Me? Understanding this principle helps decode otherwise inexplicable narcissistic behaviour."- From What is Narcissism?, The WIIFM Principle
What is the WIIFM Principle?
WIIFM stands for “What’s In It For Me?”—the constant internal calculation that drives narcissistic behaviour. While everyone considers their own interests sometimes, narcissists filter virtually everything through this lens. Every relationship, every interaction, every decision is evaluated based on personal benefit.
Understanding WIIFM helps decode narcissistic behaviour that otherwise seems random or inexplicable.
How WIIFM Operates
For a narcissist, calculations include:
Relationships: “What can this person do for me? What supply do they provide?”
Actions: “How does this benefit me? What do I gain?”
Decisions: “What’s the advantage here? What’s my payoff?”
Kindness: “What will I get in return? How will this serve me later?”
Help: “How will helping them reflect on me? What will they owe me?”
WIIFM and Apparent Generosity
Narcissists can seem generous, but WIIFM is always present:
Image enhancement: Generosity makes them look good.
Obligation creation: Gifts create debts that can be called in.
Control mechanism: Giving creates dependency.
Supply generation: Your gratitude provides supply.
Strategic investment: Kindness now serves goals later.
Tip: If you’re confused about why a narcissist is being nice, ask: “What’s in it for them?”
WIIFM Explains Confusing Behaviour
Why do they love bomb? WIIFM: It secures your attachment, ensuring future supply.
Why do they help you with something? WIIFM: Creates obligation, generates gratitude (supply), makes them look good.
Why do they suddenly discard? WIIFM: You’ve become more cost than benefit. New supply is available.
Why are they charming to strangers? WIIFM: Public image matters. You’re not public.
Why do they hoover? WIIFM: They need supply and you’re a known source.
WIIFM and Lack of Empathy
WIIFM reveals the empathy deficit:
- Others’ needs don’t register unless they affect the narcissist
- Your suffering matters only if it impacts them
- Help is transactional, not compassionate
- Connection is instrumental, not relational
- Love is about what you provide, not who you are
Using WIIFM to Predict Behaviour
When confused about what a narcissist will do:
- Ask: “What would benefit them most?”
- Consider: Supply, image, control, resources
- The action that maximizes their benefit is probably what they’ll do
This isn’t foolproof (narcissists aren’t always rational) but it’s often accurate.
WIIFM and Your Changing Value
Your treatment changes based on your WIIFM value:
High value: Love bombing, attention, apparent care Declining value: Devaluation, criticism, distance Low/no value: Discard, indifference, cruelty
Your worth to them was never about your inherent value—it was about what you provided.
Protecting Yourself with WIIFM Awareness
Don’t expect altruism: Any help comes with strings.
Question kindness: What do they gain?
Prepare for change: When your value drops, their treatment will too.
Don’t over-invest: Your investment doesn’t guarantee their reciprocation.
Trust patterns, not words: Their WIIFM calculations are constant, even if hidden.
For Survivors
Understanding WIIFM helps you:
- Stop personalising their treatment of you
- Recognise that love bombing was acquisition, not love
- Understand why your value to them fluctuated
- See that their kindness was never truly about you
- Release hope that they’ll change (WIIFM doesn’t change)
You were never a person to them in the way you were a person to yourself. You were a supply source, evaluated through WIIFM. The love you felt was real. What they felt was calculation.
This is painful to accept. But it’s also freeing—because if their treatment was never about your worth, it also doesn’t define your worth.
Frequently Asked Questions
WIIFM stands for 'What's In It For Me?'—the constant internal calculation driving narcissistic behaviour. While everyone considers self-interest sometimes, narcissists filter virtually everything through this lens, evaluating all relationships and interactions by personal benefit.
WIIFM explains why they love bomb (securing supply), help you (creating obligation), suddenly discard (you've become more cost than benefit), charm strangers (public image matters), and hoover (they need supply again). It's always about what benefits them.
Narcissistic generosity always has strings: it enhances their image, creates obligation, establishes control through dependency, generates grateful supply, or strategically invests for future payoff. Ask: 'What do they gain from this?'
When confused about what a narcissist will do, ask what would benefit them most—consider supply, image, control, resources. The action that maximises their benefit is usually what they'll do. This isn't foolproof but often accurate.
WIIFM helps you stop personalising their treatment—it was never about your worth, always about your usefulness. The love bombing was acquisition, the discard was supply management. This painful truth is also freeing: their behaviour reflects them, not you.
