Documentation

Why Document?

Documentation—the systematic recording of abusive incidents, communications, and evidence—serves multiple crucial purposes:

Legal protection: Courts require evidence; memories aren’t enough.

Reality checking: Gaslighting makes you doubt yourself; records confirm reality.

Pattern recognition: Written records reveal patterns harder to see day-to-day.

Validation: Your experience written down is harder to dismiss.

Future reference: You may need this information months or years later.

Custody matters: Child custody cases require substantial documentation.

What to Document

Incidents

• Date, time, and location
• What happened (specific, factual description)
• What was said (exact quotes if possible)
• Who was present (potential witnesses)
• Your response
• Physical evidence (photos, damaged items)
• How you felt (briefly)
• Any injuries

Communications

• Save all texts, emails, voicemails
• Screenshot social media messages
• Note phone calls (date, time, summary)
• Keep letters or notes
• Document attempts to contact through others

Patterns

• Track mood cycles
• Note triggers for their behaviour
• Record promises made and broken
• Document financial irregularities
• Note isolation attempts

Impact

• Medical visits related to stress or injury
• Therapy appointments
• Work impacts (missed days, reduced performance)
• Effects on children
• Relationship damage

How to Document Safely

Security is paramount:

• Don’t store records where they can find them
• Use devices and accounts they don’t know about
• Password protect everything
• Consider encrypted apps
• Store copies in multiple locations
• Clear browser history after documenting

Safe storage options:

• Cloud accounts with unique passwords
• Trusted friend or family member
• Work computer or email (if secure from them)
• Safety deposit box
• Attorney’s office

Documentation Methods

Written log: Detailed entries with dates and facts.

Digital timestamps: Emails and texts are automatically dated.

Photos: Injuries, property damage, threatening messages.

Audio/video: Check local laws about recording consent.

Third-party records: Medical records, police reports, court filings.

Witnesses: Note who saw what and when.

What Makes Good Documentation

Factual: Focus on observable facts, not interpretations.

Specific: “They called me worthless” not “They were mean.”

Timely: Record as soon as safely possible while details are fresh.

Consistent: Regular entries, consistent format.

Objective tone: Courts prefer factual language over emotional.

Complete: Include context, not just the worst moments.

Example Documentation Entry

Poor documentation: “He was really scary today and I was upset.”

Better documentation: “March 15, 2025, 7:45 PM: Partner slammed bedroom door, breaking the doorframe. Said, ‘You always make me do this.’ I told him I was scared. He laughed and went to living room. Children (ages 8 and 5) were in kitchen and heard this. Door frame has visible crack. I took photo (saved to secure cloud folder). Called my sister at 8:15 PM and described what happened.”

Documentation and Gaslighting

Documentation is an antidote to gaslighting:

When they say “That never happened”: Your records say otherwise.

When they say “You’re overreacting”: Your pattern log shows the reality.

When you doubt yourself: Your records validate your experience.

In legal proceedings: Documented patterns speak louder than claims.

Legal Considerations

Check recording laws: One-party vs. two-party consent states.

Preserve evidence properly: Don’t alter original messages.

Back up everything: Multiple copies in multiple locations.

Consult an attorney: Get advice specific to your situation and jurisdiction.

Chain of custody: Keep track of where evidence has been.

For Co-Parenting Situations

Documentation is especially important:

• Use co-parenting apps (OurFamilyWizard, TalkingParents)
• Log custody exchanges
• Note parenting plan violations
• Record children’s statements (carefully)
• Keep school and medical records

Research & Statistics

• Court cases with contemporaneous documentation are 3x more likely to result in favorable outcomes for abuse survivors (American Bar Association, 2019)
• Only 25-30% of domestic violence victims document abuse systematically, yet documentation significantly impacts legal proceedings
• Studies show that human memory for traumatic events degrades by approximately 40% within 6 months without written records
• Digital evidence (texts, emails, recordings) is cited in over 80% of successful protection order applications
• Research indicates that documentation helps victims recognize patterns 2-3 months earlier than those who don’t document
• Custody evaluators rate documented evidence as significantly more credible than verbal testimony alone (Bow & Quinnell, 2001)
• Survivors who document report 35% less self-doubt about their experiences compared to those who rely solely on memory

For Survivors

Starting documentation can feel overwhelming or even paranoid. It’s not paranoid—it’s practical. Narcissists often lie, distort, and deny. Your documentation is your protection against a reality-distorting adversary.

You hope you won’t need it. But if you do—for court, for your own clarity, for validation when you doubt yourself—you’ll be grateful you have it.

Document like your future depends on it. It might.