Double Bind

What is a Double Bind?

A double bind is a communication pattern in which someone receives two or more contradictory messages, where responding to one message means failing the other. Originally described by Gregory Bateson in schizophrenia research, the concept applies powerfully to narcissistic abuse dynamics.

In narcissistic relationships, double binds create impossible situations where:

• If you do X, you’re wrong
• If you don’t do X, you’re also wrong
• There is no right answer
• You’re set up to fail

The double bind isn’t a puzzle to solve—it’s a trap to recognize.

Common Double Binds

Intimacy Double Binds

• “You’re so distant” → but “You’re suffocating me” when you get close
• “You never initiate sex” → but “You’re too aggressive” when you do
• “Share your feelings with me” → but mocking or weaponizing what you share
• “I want more quality time” → but being cold and distant when you’re together

Communication Double Binds

• “Tell me what’s wrong” → but “You’re always complaining”
• “Be honest with me” → but punishing honesty
• “I want you to speak up” → but “Don’t talk back to me”
• “You never talk to me” → but interrupting or dismissing when you do

Autonomy Double Binds

• “Be more independent” → but “You never include me”
• “Make your own decisions” → but criticizing every decision
• “Stand up for yourself” → but raging when you assert boundaries
• “I want you to have friends” → but jealousy when you do

Performance Double Binds

• “Be more spontaneous” → but “That was irresponsible”
• “Take more initiative” → but “You should have asked me first”
• “Relax and be yourself” → but “Why would you say/do that?”
• “Try harder” → but “You’re trying too hard”

Emotional Double Binds

• “Don’t be so emotional” → but “You’re cold and unfeeling”
• “Calm down” → but “Why don’t you care?”
• “Stop crying” → but “Your coldness hurts me”
• “Be positive” → but “You’re fake and superficial”

How Double Binds Work

The Structure

1. Primary message: “Do X”
2. Contradictory message: “Don’t do X” (or “X is wrong”)
3. Prohibition against escaping or commenting on the contradiction
4. Pattern repeats, establishing it as normal

Why You Can’t Win

• The messages are genuinely contradictory
• Both cannot be satisfied simultaneously
• Any response fails one demand
• The “right” answer doesn’t exist

The Trap Tightens

• You try harder to find the correct response
• Increased effort increases failure
• Self-doubt grows
• You become more compliant seeking approval
• The narcissist gains more control

Why Narcissists Use Double Binds

Maintaining Control

• You’re always wrong, they’re always right
• You can never feel secure
• Keeps you off-balance and compliant
• Your confusion makes you dependent

Generating Supply

• Your distress is attention
• Your efforts to please are flattering
• Your failure confirms their superiority
• The drama is stimulating

Avoiding Accountability

• They can always point to the rule you broke
• “I told you to X” (ignoring they also told you not to)
• Never responsible for the bind itself
• You’re always at fault

Protecting the False Self

• If you could succeed, you might challenge them
• Your failure maintains hierarchy
• Consistent failure keeps you small
• The bind prevents you from threatening their position

The Psychological Impact

Chronic Confusion

• Never knowing what’s expected
• Constant second-guessing
• Unable to trust your own judgment
• Reality feels unstable

Anxiety and Hypervigilance

• Walking on eggshells
• Scanning for the “right” response
• Chronic stress from impossible demands
• Never feeling safe

Learned Helplessness

• Repeated failure despite effort
• Giving up on trying
• Depression and resignation
• Feeling inherently incompetent

Identity Erosion

• Losing sense of your own preferences
• Becoming defined by their contradictory demands
• Unable to make independent choices
• Self defined by failure

Cognitive Dissonance

• Two contradictory demands held simultaneously
• Psychological discomfort
• May resolve by blaming yourself
• “I must be doing something wrong”

Recognizing Double Binds

Signs You’re in a Double Bind

• You feel confused about what they want
• Every response seems to be wrong
• You’re exhausted from trying to figure it out
• You’ve been criticized for opposite behaviors
• There’s no pattern to what makes them happy
• You feel like you’re going crazy

Questions to Ask

• Have I been criticized for doing X AND not doing X?
• Is there actually a correct response?
• When I try to clarify, does it help?
• Do the rules seem to change?
• Am I spending excessive energy trying to solve this?

Responding to Double Binds

Recognize the Pattern

The first step is seeing the bind:

• “I notice I’m being asked to do contradictory things”
• “There may not be a right answer here”
• “This is a bind, not a puzzle”

Stop Trying to Solve It

• Accept there’s no winning response
• Don’t exhaust yourself seeking the non-existent solution
• The problem is the bind, not your response

Name It (If Safe)

When appropriate:

• “I’m getting conflicting messages”
• “When I do X, you’re unhappy; when I don’t, you’re also unhappy”
• “Help me understand what you actually want”

Note: Naming it may trigger defensiveness or rage. Assess safety first.

Detach from the Outcome

• You cannot control their response
• Do what seems reasonable to you
• Accept that criticism may come regardless
• Their response is about them, not your choice

Trust Your Own Judgment

• Your perception is valid
• The confusion is real
• You’re not crazy—you’re in a bind
• Make choices based on your values, not their impossible demands

For Survivors

If you’ve lived in double binds:

• You weren’t stupid for not finding the answer—there wasn’t one
• Your confusion was a rational response to irrational demands
• The failure was engineered, not earned
• You can learn to trust your judgment again
• Clear, consistent expectations exist in healthy relationships

Double binds make you feel crazy because they are crazy-making by design. The exhaustion you felt trying to solve unsolvable puzzles wasn’t weakness—it was a human response to an inhuman trap.

You’re allowed to stop trying to solve the puzzle. You’re allowed to walk away from the maze.