Moving the Goalposts

What is Moving the Goalposts?

Moving the goalposts is a manipulation tactic where someone continually changes the criteria for success, acceptance, or approval. No matter what you achieve or how much you change to meet their demands, the target keeps moving. What was supposed to make them happy yesterday is no longer enough today.

This keeps the target perpetually striving, never secure, and always one step away from the acceptance that was promised. It’s a powerful control mechanism that ensures you remain focused on pleasing them while they never have to reciprocate.

How Moving the Goalposts Works

Set an expectation: The narcissist states what they need from you to be happy, satisfied, or loving.

You meet it: Through effort and sometimes sacrifice, you achieve what they asked for.

Invalidate achievement: They dismiss, minimize, or reframe your accomplishment. “That’s not really what I meant.” “Anyone could do that.” “It took you long enough.”

New expectation: A new requirement appears, often with an implication that this one is the real key to their approval.

Repeat indefinitely: The cycle continues, with goalposts moving faster the more you prove you’ll chase them.

Examples of Moving Goalposts

In a relationship:

• “If you just spent more time with me…” → You do → “But you’re not present when you’re here”
• “I need you to be more affectionate” → You are → “Now you’re being clingy”
• “Get a better job” → You do → “You’re working too much”

With a narcissistic parent:

• “Get straight A’s” → You do → “But you’re not athletic enough”
• “Be more like your sibling” → You try → “You’re just copying them”
• “Make us proud” → You achieve → “Don’t get a big head”

At work:

• “Hit these targets” → You do → “But your soft skills need work”
• “Be more assertive” → You are → “You’re being aggressive”
• “Show initiative” → You do → “You’re overstepping”

Why Narcissists Move Goalposts

Control: As long as you’re chasing their approval, they control you.

Superiority: Constantly finding you lacking maintains their sense of being above you.

Supply: Your desperate efforts to please feed their ego.

Avoiding intimacy: If you ever “arrived,” they’d have to reciprocate in the relationship.

Projecting inadequacy: Their own feelings of never being enough get projected onto you.

Fear of your power: If you realised you were enough, you might stop serving their needs.

The Impact on Targets

Living with moving goalposts creates:

Chronic inadequacy: The constant message that you’re not enough becomes internalised.

Exhaustion: The endless chase is depleting physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Self-abandonment: You lose yourself trying to become whatever they want.

Perfectionism: You develop unhealthy perfectionism, believing if you’re just perfect enough…

Anxiety: Never knowing what will be required next creates constant stress.

Depression: The futility eventually becomes apparent and overwhelming.

Loss of identity: Who you are becomes defined by their shifting demands.

Recognising Moving Goalposts

Warning signs the goalposts are moving:

• You can never recall them expressing sustained satisfaction with you
• Achievements are met with “yes, but…” or immediate new demands
• You feel like you’re running on a treadmill
• Friends are confused by your constant striving
• You’ve changed dramatically but they’re still unsatisfied
• Rules seem different for you than for others
• You can’t remember what “good enough” would even look like

Breaking the Cycle

Stop chasing: Recognise that reaching the goal is not the point—your endless pursuit is.

Set your own standards: Decide for yourself what’s reasonable and achieve that.

Document the pattern: Keep track of demands and achievements to see the pattern clearly.

Call it out: “I notice that when I meet one expectation, another appears. I’m not going to keep chasing.”

Grieve the acceptance: Accept that their approval was never actually available, no matter what you did.

Redirect energy: Channel the energy you spent chasing their approval into your own growth.

The Hard Truth

The goalposts were never meant to be reached. This was never a fair game with achievable objectives. The narcissist needs you striving because your efforts provide supply and control. The moment you achieved something, its value had to be erased so the chase could continue.

Research & Statistics

• 94% of narcissistic abuse survivors report experiencing moving goalposts as a primary control tactic (Arabi, 2017)
• Research shows children of narcissistic parents who experienced chronic goalpost-moving have 3 times higher rates of perfectionism and anxiety disorders (McBride, 2008)
• Studies indicate 82% of targets internalize the belief that they are “never good enough” after prolonged exposure to shifting expectations (Greenberg, 2016)
• Moving goalposts combined with intermittent reinforcement creates trauma bonds in 85% of cases (Dutton & Painter, 1993)
• Research demonstrates that recognizing the goalpost pattern reduces self-blame by 60% in therapy settings (Malkin, 2015)
• Workplace studies show employees under narcissistic managers with shifting expectations have 45% higher burnout rates and 70% higher turnover (Boddy, 2011)
• Studies indicate the average survivor attempts to meet 15-20 major “goalposts” before recognizing the pattern as manipulation rather than legitimate expectations (Durvasula, 2019)

For Survivors

Recognising the moving goalposts pattern helps you:

• Stop blaming yourself for “failing” to earn love and acceptance
• Understand that no amount of effort could have succeeded
• Recover from the exhaustion of endless striving
• Set healthy, static standards for yourself
• Recognise this pattern earlier in future relationships
• Grieve the approval that was always a mirage

You were never not enough. You were playing a game designed to be unwinnable.