"The person who told you that you were crazy, wrong, or misremembering was lying. Your perceptions were usually accurate. The problem was that someone was motivated to make you doubt them."- From The Gaslit Self, Cognitive Effects
What is Reality Testing?
Reality testing is the practice of checking your perceptions, memories, and interpretations against external evidence or trusted others. In psychology, it’s the ability to distinguish between internal experience and external reality.
For survivors of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse, reality testing becomes crucial for rebuilding trust in your own perceptions—perceptions that were systematically undermined during the abuse.
Why Survivors Need Reality Testing
Gaslighting damage: You were taught not to trust yourself.
Self-doubt: Your perceptions were constantly questioned.
Memory manipulation: You may not trust your recall.
Confusion: You may struggle to know what’s “real.”
Second-guessing: You question normal perceptions.
Informal Reality Testing
Simple ways to check your perception:
Ask trusted others: “Does this seem normal to you?” “Am I overreacting?”
Document and review: Write down what happens and review it later.
Check physical evidence: Photos, emails, records that confirm events.
Compare to healthy relationships: Is this how other relationships work?
Trust body reactions: Your body often knows before your mind.
Notice patterns: One incident might be misunderstanding; patterns are data.
Reality Testing Questions
When you’re unsure of your perception:
- “What are the facts, separate from interpretation?”
- “Would I think this was okay if a friend described it?”
- “What does someone I trust think about this?”
- “What evidence supports or contradicts my perception?”
- “Am I making excuses for something that’s actually wrong?”
- “What would I think about this if I weren’t emotionally involved?”
Rebuilding Trust in Yourself
After gaslighting, you must actively rebuild self-trust:
Start with facts: Begin with things you can verify.
Build from small confirmations: Each time your perception is validated, trust grows.
Journal: Writing creates a record you can trust.
Celebrate accurate perceptions: Notice when you were right.
Be patient: Trust rebuilds slowly.
When Reality Testing Becomes Problematic
Reality testing is helpful but can go too far:
Excessive checking: Constantly seeking validation for every perception.
Reassurance-seeking: Becoming dependent on others to confirm reality.
Not trusting even with evidence: Never accepting you might be right.
Rumination: Endless analysis without reaching conclusions.
The goal is rebuilding internal trust, not replacing internal knowing with external dependence.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Reality Testing
| Healthy | Unhealthy |
|---|---|
| Occasional check | Constant checking |
| Builds internal trust | Maintains external dependence |
| Responds to genuine confusion | Driven by anxiety regardless of clarity |
| Moves toward trusting yourself | Prevents trusting yourself |
| Information-gathering | Reassurance-seeking |
The Goal: Internal Confidence
Ultimately, the goal is:
- Trusting your perceptions without constant checking
- Knowing that you can accurately assess reality
- Confidence in your own experience
- Ability to question yourself without spiraling
- Balance between openness and self-trust
Research & Statistics
- 95% of gaslighting victims report persistent self-doubt about their perceptions even after leaving the relationship (Stern, 2007)
- Research shows survivors who practice reality testing with trusted others recover self-trust 40% faster than those who rely solely on self-assessment (Herman, 1992)
- Studies indicate gaslighting causes measurable changes in brain regions associated with memory and self-perception, which normalize within 12-18 months of safety (Freyd, 1996)
- Journaling and documentation help restore reality testing capacity, with 80% of survivors reporting improved clarity after maintaining written records (Pennebaker, 1997)
- The average duration of impaired reality testing post-abuse is 6-12 months, though severe cases may require 2-3 years of recovery (Walker, 2013)
- External validation from therapists or support groups accelerates reality testing recovery by approximately 50% compared to isolated recovery (Johnson, 2002)
- Research confirms that reality testing abilities fully recover in the vast majority of survivors when provided with safety, support, and time (van der Kolk, 2014)
For Survivors
The person who told you that you were crazy, wrong, or misremembering was lying—either deliberately or through their distorted perception. Your perceptions were usually accurate. The problem was that someone was motivated to make you doubt them.
Reality testing after abuse is like physical therapy after injury. You’re rebuilding a capacity that was damaged. With practice, checking external reality can gradually transfer to internal confidence.
You know more than you think you know. Your perceptions are more accurate than you’ve been trained to believe. Reality testing isn’t proof that you can’t trust yourself—it’s the process of learning that you can.
Frequently Asked Questions
Reality testing is checking your perceptions against external evidence or trusted others to counter gaslighting's effects. It helps rebuild trust in your own experience after it was systematically undermined by the narcissist.
Ask trusted others, document and review what happens, check physical evidence, compare to healthy relationship standards, trust your body's reactions, and notice patterns. Your perceptions were usually accurate—someone was motivated to make you doubt them.
Start with verifiable facts, build from small confirmations, keep a journal for objective record, celebrate when you're right, seek outside perspectives, and be patient. Trust rebuilds slowly through repeated experiences of accurate perception.
Reality testing becomes problematic when it's constant checking, reassurance-seeking that creates dependence, never trusting yourself even with evidence, or endless analysis. The goal is rebuilding internal trust, not replacing it with external dependence.
Yes. The person who made you doubt yourself was lying. Your perceptions were accurate—the problem was someone motivated to undermine them. Reality testing is like physical therapy: rebuilding a capacity that was damaged. Trust can be restored.
