Toxic Positivity

What is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is the excessive and ineffective pressure to maintain a positive mindset regardless of circumstances. It dismisses, minimises, or invalidates authentic human emotions—particularly those considered “negative” like anger, sadness, fear, or grief.

For survivors of narcissistic abuse, toxic positivity can be another form of invalidation, telling you that your pain shouldn’t exist or that you should “just move on.”

Examples of Toxic Positivity

Common phrases:

• “Just stay positive!”
• “Everything happens for a reason”
• “Good vibes only”
• “Just focus on the good”
• “It could be worse”
• “You just need to be more grateful”
• “Don’t be so negative”
• “Just let it go”
• “Happiness is a choice”

Applied to abuse survivors:

• “Just forgive and move on”
• “Don’t let them have power over you by being upset”
• “Focus on the lessons learned”
• “At least you’re out now”
• “Everything works out for the best”

Toxic Positivity vs. Genuine Optimism

Toxic Positivity	Genuine Optimism
Denies negative emotions	Acknowledges all emotions
Invalidates pain	Validates pain while holding hope
Demands positivity	Allows authentic experience
Superficial	Grounded in reality
Shames “negative” feelings	Accepts full human experience
”Just be happy"	"It’s okay to not be okay”

Why Toxic Positivity is Harmful

Suppresses emotions: Unexpressed emotions don’t disappear—they cause damage.

Creates shame: You feel wrong for having normal human feelings.

Invalidates experience: Your reality is dismissed as “just negativity.”

Blocks healing: You can’t process what you’re not allowed to feel.

Isolates: You stop sharing real feelings with toxic positive people.

Echoes gaslighting: Being told your feelings are wrong mirrors narcissistic abuse.

Toxic Positivity and Abuse Recovery

For survivors, toxic positivity is especially damaging:

More invalidation: You’ve already been told your feelings don’t matter.

Pressure to “get over it”: Complex trauma takes time.

Forgiveness pressure: “Just forgive” ignores the process of healing.

Gratitude demands: “Be grateful it wasn’t worse” dismisses real harm.

Positivity as suppression: Echoes hiding emotions to please the narcissist.

The Pressure to “Forgive and Forget”

One common form of toxic positivity in abuse recovery:

• “You need to forgive to heal” (pressure)
• “Holding onto anger only hurts you” (partial truth weaponised)
• “Just let it go” (dismissal of process)
• “Be the bigger person” (pressure to minimise)

Forgiveness may or may not be part of your journey. It’s not required, and if it happens, it comes in its own time through processing—not through pressure.

Healthy Alternatives to Toxic Positivity

Instead of: “Stay positive!” Try: “This is really hard. I’m here for you.”

Instead of: “Everything happens for a reason” Try: “I’m so sorry this happened. It wasn’t fair.”

Instead of: “Just let it go” Try: “Your feelings make sense. Take the time you need.”

Instead of: “Be grateful it wasn’t worse” Try: “What you went through was bad enough.”

Instead of: “Happiness is a choice” Try: “Healing takes time. I support you in that process.”

Responding to Toxic Positivity

When others push toxic positivity:

Set boundaries: “I appreciate your intentions, but I need to feel what I feel right now.”

Educate if appropriate: “It helps me more when you just listen.”

Find other support: Seek people who can hold space for your real experience.

Validate yourself: “My feelings are valid, even if others dismiss them.”

Protect yourself: You don’t have to share with people who can’t receive it.

The Role of Real Positivity

This isn’t anti-positivity—authentic positivity has its place:

• Hope is important in recovery
• Finding meaning can help
• Celebrating progress matters
• Joy is allowed and healing

The difference is that real positivity makes room for the full human experience, including pain. It doesn’t demand you skip stages or pretend.

Research & Statistics

• 70% of people agree that they prefer to maintain a positive mindset rather than acknowledge negative emotions, yet research shows emotional suppression increases physiological stress (Gross & Levenson, 1997)
• Studies demonstrate that emotional suppression leads to up to 50% higher sympathetic nervous system activation compared to emotional acceptance (Butler et al., 2003)
• Research by Susan David found that one-third of people judge themselves for having “negative” emotions, which correlates with lower well-being and higher psychological distress
• Trauma survivors who suppress emotions show 2.5 times higher rates of depression and anxiety compared to those who process emotions (Pennebaker, 1997)
• A 2022 study found that pressure to be positive during COVID-19 was associated with 40% higher burnout rates among healthcare workers (Rippstein-Leuenberger et al., 2022)
• Research indicates that accepting negative emotions, rather than avoiding them, predicts better psychological health and 23% fewer mood disorder symptoms over time (Ford et al., 2018)
• Studies show that children who receive validation for all emotions develop stronger emotional regulation skills and are 33% less likely to develop anxiety disorders (Gottman et al., 1996)

For Survivors

You’re allowed to feel angry, sad, scared, grieving, and hurt. You’re allowed to have bad days, to not be “over it,” to struggle.

Your pain is valid. Your timeline is yours. And anyone who tells you to “just be positive” about narcissistic abuse doesn’t understand what you’ve been through.

Healing includes feeling the difficult emotions, not bypassing them with a smile. The people worth keeping in your life are the ones who can sit with you in the darkness, not just in the light.