"Withholding is control through absence. By taking away affection, communication, intimacy, or resources, the narcissist creates a hunger that only they can satisfy. You learn to do anything to prevent the withdrawal—to avoid the cold, the silence, the emptiness. The withholding is the leash; the occasional giving is the reward that keeps you trying."
What Is Withholding?
Withholding is a manipulation tactic where someone deliberately denies you something you need—affection, attention, communication, intimacy, information, or resources—as a form of control, punishment, or manipulation.
It’s not the same as healthy boundary-setting or needing space. Withholding is weaponized absence: strategically removing something to cause pain, gain compliance, or demonstrate power.
What Gets Withheld
Affection and Warmth
- Hugs, kisses, physical closeness
- Warm words and expressions of love
- Eye contact and attention
- The feeling of being loved
Communication
- Silent treatment
- One-word answers
- Refusing to engage
- Ignoring messages or questions
- Stonewalling
Emotional Presence
- Being physically present but emotionally absent
- Withdrawn and unreachable
- Cold demeanor
- Refusal to connect emotionally
Sex and Physical Intimacy
- Withholding sex as punishment
- Refusing all physical closeness
- Creating sexual rejection
Information
- Keeping you in the dark about decisions
- Not sharing plans that affect you
- Withholding information you need
- Making you feel excluded
Validation and Praise
- Refusing to acknowledge your efforts
- Withholding compliments or appreciation
- Silent treatment after you’ve achieved something
- Making you feel unseen
Financial Resources
- Controlling access to money
- Withholding funds you need
- Using money as leverage
Basic Attention
- Ignoring your existence
- Acting like you’re not there
- Removing normal courtesies
How Withholding Works as Control
Creates Dependency
When you need something and they control it:
- They have power
- You become dependent on their giving
- Your wellbeing becomes contingent on their mood
- They hold the keys
Trains Compliance
Withholding teaches you:
- If I do what they want, they give
- If I upset them, they withdraw
- I must manage their feelings to get my needs met
- My behavior controls their giving (or so it seems)
Punishes Without Marks
Unlike physical abuse:
- No visible evidence
- Easy to deny (“I just needed space”)
- Others can’t see it
- You question whether it’s “real” abuse
Destabilizes
The unpredictability creates:
- Constant anxiety
- Walking on eggshells
- Never feeling secure
- Always working to earn back connection
Works with Intermittent Reinforcement
The cycle of withholding and giving:
- Withdrawal creates desperation
- Giving creates relief and bonding
- The unpredictability strengthens attachment
- You become addicted to the “giving” periods
Withholding vs. Healthy Boundaries
Healthy Space
- Communicated clearly (“I need time to cool down”)
- Has a reasonable timeframe
- Not intended to punish
- Followed by reconnection
- Takes care of the person’s needs
- Respects the relationship
Withholding
- Often unexplained or vaguely explained
- Indefinite duration
- Intended to punish or control
- Followed by conditional reconnection
- Takes care of only the withholder’s needs
- Damages the relationship
The Experience of Being Withheld From
What It Feels Like
- Desperate for connection
- Starving for affection
- Confused about what you did wrong
- Rejected and unworthy
- Anxious and obsessed with their mood
- Relief flooding in when they finally give
- Walking on eggshells to prevent withdrawal
What You Do
- Try harder to please
- Analyze what you did wrong
- Chase and pursue
- Apologize (even when you didn’t do anything)
- Change your behavior to avoid withdrawal
- Become grateful for crumbs
- Lose yourself trying to earn their presence
The Toll
- Erosion of self-worth
- Chronic anxiety
- Codependent patterns
- Hypervigilance about their mood
- Feeling responsible for their emotional giving
Common Patterns
The Silent Treatment Cycle
- Something displeases them
- They withdraw completely
- You chase, apologize, try to fix
- They eventually return (sometimes with conditions)
- You feel relieved and grateful
- You try harder to avoid the next withdrawal
- Repeat
Affection as Reward
- Affection given when you comply
- Affection withdrawn when you don’t
- You learn: compliance = love
- Your authenticity becomes too risky
Information Withholding
- They make decisions without you
- You don’t know what’s happening
- You’re kept off-balance
- They maintain control through knowledge advantage
Responding to Withholding
Recognize It
- Name what’s happening
- See it as manipulation, not your failing
- Understand it’s about control, not you
Don’t Chase
- Chasing reinforces the dynamic
- It proves the withholding works
- Step back from pursuing
- Don’t beg for connection
State Your Needs Once
- “I need communication even when we’re upset”
- “Withdrawing hurts me and our relationship”
- Say it once, clearly, without drama
- Then observe their response
Protect Yourself
- Find other sources of support
- Don’t put all emotional eggs in their basket
- Build your own resources
- Don’t let their withholding destroy you
Evaluate the Pattern
- Is this occasional or chronic?
- Do they acknowledge and change, or repeat?
- Can you sustain a relationship with this pattern?
- What are your limits?
Consider the Relationship
- Chronic withholding is emotional abuse
- You cannot make someone give
- Is this acceptable for your life?
- What do you deserve?
For Survivors
If you’ve experienced withholding:
- The desperate feeling was manufactured
- You were trained to chase and comply
- The withdrawal was a weapon, not your fault
- You can’t earn consistent love from someone who uses it as leverage
- Healthy relationships don’t use affection as a manipulation tool
Withholding is control through deprivation. It works because you’re a person with needs—normal, human needs for connection, affection, and communication. There’s nothing wrong with having these needs. What’s wrong is weaponizing them.
You deserve love that doesn’t come with conditions. You deserve presence that isn’t punishment or reward. You deserve someone who stays, not someone who uses leaving as leverage. The withdrawal you experienced wasn’t about your worth—it was about their control. You were never the problem. The withholding was.
Frequently Asked Questions
Withholding is deliberately denying something your partner needs—affection, attention, communication, sex, emotional support, information, or resources—as a way to control, punish, or manipulate. Unlike healthy boundary-setting, withholding is used as a weapon to get compliance or cause pain.
Common things narcissists withhold include: affection and warmth, communication (silent treatment), emotional availability, sex and intimacy, information (keeping you in the dark), validation and praise, financial resources, basic attention, and love itself. Anything you need can become leverage.
Healthy space is communicated ('I need some time to process'), time-limited, and not intended to punish. Withholding is unexplained, prolonged, deliberately painful, and used to control. The difference is in intent: self-care vs. punishment.
Withholding creates a power imbalance where you need them to give what they're denying. It punishes without leaving visible marks, trains you to comply, keeps you destabilized and working to earn their approval, and demonstrates their control. It's abuse through absence.
It feels like: desperate hunger for connection, walking on eggshells to avoid withdrawal, confusion about what you did wrong, deep rejection and unworthiness, trying harder to earn back affection, relief flooding in when they finally give, and a cycle of anxiety and desperation.
Recognize it as manipulation, not your fault. Don't chase or beg—this reinforces the power dynamic. State your needs once without drama. Consider whether this pattern is acceptable. Protect yourself emotionally. Understand that you can't make someone give what they're choosing to withhold.
