APA Citation
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, . (2021). Domestic Violence Statistics.
Summary
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence compiles and publishes authoritative statistics on domestic violence in the United States. Among their most frequently cited findings is that victims make an average of seven attempts before successfully leaving an abusive relationship permanently. This statistic reframes what might appear to be "failure" as a normal part of the leaving process—each attempt represents learning, resource-building, and reality-testing, not weakness or indecision. The NCADV also documents that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking, establishing domestic violence as a widespread public health issue.
Why This Matters for Survivors
For survivors who have returned to abusive relationships—perhaps multiple times—the "seven attempts" statistic is liberating. You are not weak, stupid, or hopeless. You are navigating a process that most victims experience. Each return is not failure but part of a pattern that typically precedes permanent departure: gathering evidence, testing whether change is possible, building resources, processing the reality of what you're facing. If you've returned, you're in the majority, and statistical probability suggests you will eventually leave for good. The shame you may feel about "going back" is misplaced—you're engaged in a documented, typical process.
What This Data Shows
Leaving is a process, not an event. The average of seven attempts before permanent departure reveals that leaving an abusive relationship follows a predictable pattern involving multiple departures and returns. This isn’t weakness or indecision—it’s the documented norm for how most people exit abuse.
Each attempt serves a function. Returns to abusive relationships aren’t random or irrational. They represent:
- Reality testing: “Is it really that bad? Maybe I’m overreacting.”
- Change assessment: “They promised to change. Let me see if it’s real this time.”
- Resource building: “I wasn’t financially ready last time. Now I have a plan.”
- Psychological preparation: “Now I believe I can survive without them.”
The statistics establish scope. Beyond the leaving pattern, NCADV documents that intimate partner violence affects 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men. This isn’t a rare problem affecting damaged people—it’s a widespread public health issue affecting people across demographics.
Domestic violence includes multiple forms. Physical violence is only one component. NCADV documents patterns of psychological abuse, economic control, coercive control, and post-separation abuse that often cause more long-term damage than physical violence alone.
Why This Matters for Survivors
Your returns don’t mean failure. If you’ve left and gone back—multiple times—you’re experiencing what most abuse victims experience. The shame you feel is misplaced. You’re engaged in a process that statistically ends in permanent departure. Each return is not evidence you can’t leave; it’s part of how most people eventually do.
The average includes the final success. Seven attempts means seven departures, with one of them permanent. The people in this statistic did leave. They just didn’t leave on the first try, or the second, or the fifth. If you’re on attempt three and feeling hopeless, statistical probability suggests you will eventually succeed.
Recognition takes time. The statistics validate that abuse recognition is difficult. The patterns of gaslighting, trauma bonding, and intermittent reinforcement discussed throughout this book make it hard to trust your own perception. Multiple attempts often reflect not weakness but the time required to overcome systematic reality distortion.
Others’ judgment is uninformed. People who haven’t experienced abuse often ask “why didn’t you just leave?” The statistics answer: because leaving is complicated, and you did leave—repeatedly—as part of a process that usually takes years and multiple attempts.
Clinical Implications
Reframe returns as progress. When patients return to abusive relationships, clinicians should validate this as a documented pattern rather than expressing disappointment. The return doesn’t erase progress made during the separation; it’s part of a typical trajectory toward permanent departure. Ask what the patient learned during the separation and what resources they built.
Support rather than pressure. Pressuring victims to leave before they’re ready can backfire, causing them to defend the abuser and withdraw from support. Meeting victims where they are—acknowledging the difficulty and complexity while maintaining boundaries about safety—is more effective than ultimatums.
Safety plan for the process. Given that returns are likely, safety planning should include “when you go back” scenarios, not just “after you leave” plans. Practical preparation (documents, finances, emergency contacts) should be done incrementally rather than requiring a single decisive departure.
Validate the leaving process. Patients who’ve left multiple times may feel hopeless. Presenting the seven-attempts statistic can be therapeutic: “Most people leave 7 times before it’s permanent. You’re on attempt four. You’re progressing.” This reframe turns apparent failure into normative experience.
Broader Implications
Legal System Awareness
Courts handling protective orders, custody, and divorce should understand that returns to abusers don’t indicate the victim is lying about abuse or doesn’t want protection. The pattern is statistically typical. Legal decisions based on “she went back so it must not have been that bad” reflect misunderstanding of abuse dynamics.
Workplace Policies
Employers should recognize that employees experiencing domestic violence may need multiple leaves as they navigate the leaving process. Policies that support only one departure fail to accommodate the documented pattern of how leaving actually occurs.
Support Services
Services for abuse victims should be designed for repeat engagement. Shelter policies, counseling programs, and legal aid should accommodate victims who use services multiple times as part of their leaving process, rather than treating returns as failures that disqualify them from further help.
Public Understanding
The “why doesn’t she leave?” question reflects ignorance of these statistics. Public education campaigns should emphasize that leaving is a process taking an average of seven attempts, shifting the question from victim-blaming to system support.
How This Statistic Is Used in the Book
The seven-attempts statistic appears in Chapter 21: Breaking the Spell to validate the difficulty of leaving narcissistic abuse:
“The statistics around recognition are sobering. It takes an average of seven attempts before a victim successfully leaves an abusive relationship. The statistic reflects how severely abuse disrupts the very cognitive functions needed to recognise and escape it. Attachment hijacking and the mechanisms discussed earlier literally paralyse certain psychological faculties. Each return is part of a learning process, however much it feels like failure and is judged that way externally. It is gathering evidence, testing whether change is possible, double-checking they are on new solid ground, building resources both material and psychological for the next attempt.”
Limitations and Considerations
Averages obscure variation. Seven attempts is an average; some victims leave on the first attempt, others make many more attempts. Individual circumstances—children, finances, support systems, abuse severity—significantly affect the pattern. The statistic provides a framework, not a prescription.
Not all attempts are equal. A “attempt” might mean leaving for a day or leaving for months. The statistic doesn’t distinguish between brief separations and extended departures. The process is messier than a simple count suggests.
Post-separation abuse not captured. Successfully leaving the relationship doesn’t mean escaping abuse. Post-separation stalking, harassment, and control tactics affect the majority of survivors. The “seven attempts” statistic measures relationship departure, not abuse cessation.
Data collection challenges. Domestic violence statistics depend on reporting, which is affected by victim shame, fear, and the normalization of abuse. Actual prevalence is likely higher than documented figures suggest.
Further Reading
- Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.
- Herman, J.L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.
- Dutton, D.G., & Painter, S. (1993). The battered woman syndrome: Effects of severity and intermittency of abuse. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 63(4), 614-622.
- Johnson, M.P. (2008). A Typology of Domestic Violence: Intimate Terrorism, Violent Resistance, and Situational Couple Violence. Northeastern University Press.
- Walker, L.E. (2009). The Battered Woman Syndrome (3rd ed.). Springer.
About the Author
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) is a nonprofit organization founded in 1978 at the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights hearing on battered women in Washington, D.C. It has become the leading voice for domestic violence victims and survivors in the United States.
NCADV works to create a social, political, and economic environment in which violence against women, children, and families is no longer tolerated. Their work includes public policy advocacy, public education, and support for domestic violence service providers.
The organization's statistics are derived from multiple sources including the CDC's National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS), Bureau of Justice Statistics, and peer-reviewed research, making them authoritative references for understanding domestic violence prevalence and patterns.
Historical Context
The "seven attempts" statistic emerged from research tracking victims' help-seeking behavior and relationship patterns over time. It challenged earlier assumptions that victims who returned to abusers had some psychological deficit or were choosing to stay. Instead, the research revealed that leaving is a process, not an event—one that involves cognitive recognition of abuse, practical preparation, and psychological readiness that rarely align simultaneously. The statistic has been crucial in shifting professional and public understanding from "why doesn't she leave?" to "how can we support the leaving process?"
Frequently Asked Questions
Leaving requires simultaneous cognitive recognition (this is abuse), practical preparation (financial resources, safe housing, legal protection), and psychological readiness (believing you can survive alone, that the abuse won't change). These rarely align perfectly. Each attempt builds resources and tests reality until all factors converge. Additionally, the trauma bond and intermittent reinforcement cycle make leaving feel psychologically impossible even when practically feasible.
No. The statistic means most victims return multiple times before leaving permanently. Each return is typically followed by eventual departure—often better prepared. Long-term studies show that most abuse victims eventually do leave, though the timeline varies. The seven-attempt average includes the final, successful departure. Returning is part of the path to leaving, not evidence that leaving won't happen.
Earlier attempts often involve testing whether leaving is possible and survivable, assessing the abuser's response, gathering information about resources, and processing the reality of the relationship. Victims may also be testing whether the abuser can change—the abuser's promises during the reconciliation phase can seem credible until repeated enough times. Each attempt provides data that contributes to eventual permanent departure.
Maintain connection without judgment. The victim already feels shame about returning; criticism drives them further into isolation with the abuser. Express continued support ('I'm here whenever you need me'), ask about safety ('Do you feel safe?'), and provide information about resources without pressure. Each return is not failure but opportunity—the victim who returns is still engaged in a leaving process and may accept help sooner than expected.
The statistic comes from domestic violence research broadly, including physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse. Narcissistic abuse may involve fewer physical markers, making recognition harder and potentially extending the process. However, the psychological mechanisms—trauma bonding, intermittent reinforcement, reality distortion—operate similarly across abuse types. The pattern of multiple attempts before successful departure applies.
Factors that extend the leaving process include: shared children (concern about custody, co-parenting), financial dependency, immigration status, religious or cultural pressure against divorce, isolation from support systems, more severe trauma bonding, and the abuser's escalation tactics during attempts. Each factor requires additional resource-building before successful departure.
Factors that accelerate successful leaving include: financial independence, strong support network, access to legal assistance, safe housing options, absence of shared children, the abuser's behavior becoming undeniable to others, and professional support that validates the victim's reality. Education about abuse dynamics also helps—naming what's happening accelerates recognition.
The statistic focuses on leaving the relationship, not on subsequent abuse. Post-separation abuse—stalking, harassment, legal abuse, parental alienation—is documented separately and affects 75-89% of abuse survivors. Successfully leaving doesn't necessarily mean the abuse stops; it means the relationship ends. This is why safety planning must extend beyond the departure itself.