Ferenczi, S. (1949) | References | Narcissus and the Child

What This Research Found

Sandor Ferenczi's 1933 paper "Confusion of Tongues Between Adults and the Child" represents one of the most significant---and most suppressed---contributions to understanding childhood trauma in the history of psychology. Originally presented at the International Psychoanalytic Congress in 1932, the paper was so threatening to the psychoanalytic establishment that it was effectively banned from publication until 1949, sixteen years after Ferenczi's death.

The mechanism of identification with the aggressor: Ferenczi observed that children who experience trauma from caregivers face an impossible situation. They cannot fight or flee; they are utterly dependent on the very person harming them. In this situation, the child's psyche develops a remarkable but costly adaptation: they identify with the aggressor. The child takes on the abuser's perspective, internalising their view, their values, and crucially, their guilt. The abused child feels guilty for the abuse---not because they have done anything wrong, but because they have introjected the aggressor's denied guilt. This explains why survivors so often blame themselves for their abuse.

The confusion of tongues: Ferenczi introduced a concept that remains clinically vital. He distinguished between the child's "language of tenderness"---innocent, playful, seeking affection---and the adult's "language of passion" (originally referring to sexual passion, but applicable to any adult emotional intensity or exploitation). When a child's tender communication is met with an adult response from an entirely different register---whether sexual, aggressive, or exploitative---the child experiences catastrophic confusion. They cannot understand why their authentic expression produced such disturbing responses. Forced to make sense of the incomprehensible, they abandon their own perceptions and adopt the adult's version of reality. This dynamic underlies what we now recognise as coercive control---the systematic distortion of reality that characterises narcissistic abuse.

Traumatic aloneness: Perhaps Ferenczi's most devastating insight was the concept of traumatic aloneness. The child who is abused and then has no one to turn to---no witness who can validate their experience, no adult who says "yes, this happened, and it was wrong"---experiences a secondary trauma that may exceed the original abuse. This aloneness forces the child to doubt their own perceptions, to conclude that what happened either did not happen or was their fault. In narcissistic family systems, traumatic aloneness is built into the structure: the abusing parent denies reality, enabling family members look away, and the child is left utterly alone with their experience.

The wise baby phenomenon: Ferenczi described how traumatised children develop a precocious but false maturity---what he called "the wise baby." These children appear to understand far more than their years, to be emotionally sophisticated and parentally attuned. But this "wisdom" is actually a defensive adaptation: the child has had to become hypervigilant to adult emotional states for survival. They have developed what we would now call hypervigilance and parentification. Their apparent maturity masks profound developmental harm---the sacrifice of their childhood to serve adult needs.

How This Research Is Used in the Book

Ferenczi's concept of identification with the aggressor appears in Chapter 12: The Unseen Child to explain one of the most tragic outcomes of narcissistic parenting---when the abused child develops the very traits of their abuser:

"Some adult children identify with the aggressor, developing narcissistic traits as protection against ever being vulnerable again. Others develop complementary patterns, excessive empathy, people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, that make them vulnerable to narcissistic partners, perpetuating the cycle through mate selection."

The book draws on Ferenczi to explain the two divergent pathways survivors may take. Some children, having experienced vulnerability as the source of their exploitation, build narcissistic defences to ensure they will never be vulnerable again. They identify with the aggressor's power and adopt their relational strategies. Others develop the opposite pattern: people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, and excessive empathy that makes them targets for narcissistic individuals in adulthood. Both pathways represent attempts to adapt to traumatic circumstances, and both perpetuate the intergenerational cycle of narcissistic dysfunction.

In the broader context of Chapter 12, Ferenczi's work illuminates how narcissistic abuse creates not just symptoms but structural changes in personality organisation. The child raised by a narcissist does not simply carry memories of abuse; they have fundamentally altered ways of perceiving themselves, others, and relationships---alterations that persist until consciously examined and healed. What Ferenczi described as identification with the aggressor contributes to the development of what D.W. Winnicott would later call the false self---a compliant, defensive structure built to protect the authentic self that was too dangerous to express.

Why This Matters for Survivors

If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, Ferenczi's work explains mechanisms you may have experienced but never had words for.

You were not "too young to remember" or "making a big deal out of nothing." Ferenczi insisted---at great professional cost---that children's accounts of trauma are real and that the effects are profound. The psychoanalytic establishment's attempt to suppress his work mirrored the gaslighting that occurs in narcissistic families: the reality of your experience was denied by those who should have protected you. Ferenczi's rehabilitation validates that your experience was real, was significant, and had the effects you know it had.

The voice in your head that sounds like your parent is not you. Identification with the aggressor means that survivors often carry an internalised version of their abuser. The harsh inner critic that tells you you're worthless, the voice that blames you for everything, the part of you that seems to take your abuser's side---these are not your authentic self. They are introjections, pieces of your abuser that you swallowed whole because you had no choice. Recognising them as foreign introjects, rather than your true voice, is the beginning of separating from them.

Your "confusion" was a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation. The confusion of tongues describes a child trying to navigate a world where adult responses make no sense. If you felt perpetually confused about your parent's behaviour, about what you had done wrong, about why your authentic self-expression produced rage or punishment---this confusion was not stupidity or inadequacy. It was the inevitable result of a child's language of tenderness meeting a narcissist's language of exploitation. The confusion protected you in some ways, allowing you to maintain necessary attachment to your caregiver. But it also meant absorbing their distorted reality as your own.

Traumatic aloneness may have been worse than specific incidents. Many survivors struggle to identify "what happened" that was so bad. Ferenczi's concept of traumatic aloneness helps explain why: it may not have been any single incident but the pervasive absence of anyone who could validate your experience. The lack of a witness, the silence of enabling family members, the impossibility of being believed---this aloneness forces you to doubt your own reality, a wound that cuts deeper than many specific traumas. If you feel you don't have "enough" trauma to justify your suffering, consider that traumatic aloneness itself may be the primary wound.

Your early maturity was a survival strategy, not a gift. If you were praised for being "mature for your age," for being helpful, for understanding adult problems, Ferenczi's "wise baby" concept reveals the cost of that maturity. You developed attunement to adult emotional states because your survival depended on it. You sacrificed your childhood to serve adult needs. This was not precocity but parentification---and recognising it allows you to grieve the childhood you lost and reclaim aspects of yourself that were suppressed in service of survival.

Clinical Implications

For psychiatrists, psychologists, and trauma-informed healthcare providers, Ferenczi's framework has direct relevance for assessment and treatment.

Assess for identification with the aggressor in presentation. Patients may present with harsh self-criticism that mirrors the language of their abusive parent, difficulty separating their own voice from internalised parental criticism, or even narcissistic traits that developed as protective identification. These are not the patient's authentic self but introjections requiring careful differentiation. Treatment involves helping patients recognise the foreign origin of these patterns without dismissing them as "not really you"---they were survival adaptations that served a function.

Validate reality without reinforcing traumatic aloneness. Many survivors have never had anyone affirm that their experience was real and significant. The therapeutic relationship may be the first time someone says "yes, that happened, and it was wrong." This validation can be profoundly healing---but it must be offered carefully, without creating dependence on the therapist as the sole validator. The goal is developing the patient's own capacity to trust their perceptions, not replacing one external authority (the abusive parent) with another (the therapist).

Watch for "wise baby" presentations. High-functioning patients who appear emotionally sophisticated may be exhibiting the false maturity Ferenczi described. Their competence masks developmental wounds. Therapists should be alert to the disconnect between apparent functioning and underlying distress, and avoid being fooled by the patient's presentation into assuming less support is needed. The "wise baby" learned early to take care of others' needs; they may need explicit permission to have their own needs met in therapy.

Consider the therapeutic relationship as reparative. Ferenczi believed that the therapeutic relationship could provide what the original environment lacked: a consistent, boundaried adult who does not exploit the patient's vulnerability. This was controversial in his time and remains so---but contemporary relational and attachment-focused approaches have vindicated his core insight. The therapist who provides reliable, non-exploitative care is not simply facilitating insight but offering a corrective relational experience. This does not mean abandoning boundaries, which Ferenczi's own technical experiments demonstrated can go wrong. It means that genuine human warmth within appropriate structure is therapeutic, not a departure from "real" therapy.

Expect language and perception difficulties. Patients whose development included "confusion of tongues" may struggle to articulate their experience. They learned early that their perceptions were wrong, their language was inadequate, and authentic expression was dangerous. Therapeutic patience with communication difficulties, combined with validation of the struggle itself, helps rebuild the capacity for authentic expression that was damaged in childhood.

Broader Implications

Ferenczi's insights extend beyond individual therapy to illuminate patterns in families, institutions, and society.

The Intergenerational Transmission of Dysfunction

Identification with the aggressor is a primary mechanism of intergenerational transmission. The child who identifies with an abusive parent may, as an adult, perpetuate similar patterns---not from malice but from having internalised those patterns as "normal." They have no other template for caregiving. This explains why survivors of narcissistic abuse sometimes become narcissistic parents themselves, despite their conscious intention to be different. Breaking this cycle requires becoming conscious of the identification, differentiating one's authentic self from the introjected aggressor, and deliberately developing new patterns of relating.

Relationship Patterns in Adulthood

Ferenczi's framework explains why survivors of narcissistic abuse often find themselves in relationships that replicate familiar dynamics. Identification with the aggressor can lead to choosing partners who need someone to dominate (complementary to the internalised submissive position) or who will play the submissive role the survivor once played (now identifying with the aggressor position). The "confusion of tongues" continues in adult relationships where survivors may not recognise exploitation because their language for tenderness was permanently confused by early experience. This helps explain the phenomenon of trauma bonding---the powerful attachment to abusive partners that seems irrational from the outside but follows logically from early conditioning. Recognition of these patterns is the beginning of making different choices.

Workplace and Organisational Dynamics

The dynamics Ferenczi described operate in hierarchical organisations. Employees who experienced narcissistic parenting may identify with aggressive bosses, excuse their behaviour, and blame themselves for mistreatment. The "wise baby" phenomenon creates employees who are hyperattuned to their superiors' emotional states, who anticipate needs and manage impressions, but who are disconnected from their own needs and boundaries. Organisations benefit from these adaptations in the short term while perpetuating environments that harm vulnerable employees.

Legal and Custody Considerations

Ferenczi's concepts have direct relevance for family courts. Children who "identify with the aggressor" may appear to prefer an abusive parent, may deny or minimise abuse, and may express the abusive parent's perspective as their own. Evaluators who are unaware of this mechanism may misinterpret the child's presentation as evidence that the abuse did not occur or was exaggerated. "Confusion of tongues" similarly means that children may struggle to articulate what happened because their language was contaminated by the abuser's framing. Traumatic aloneness may be perpetuated if the court system fails to validate the child's reality.

Institutional Responses to Trauma

The suppression of Ferenczi's paper illustrates how institutions protect themselves by denying trauma. The psychoanalytic establishment feared that acknowledging childhood trauma would damage the profession. Similarly, religious institutions have suppressed reports of abuse, corporations have silenced harassment victims, and families have maintained "don't talk" rules about known abuse. Ferenczi's work validates that institutional denial is not neutral---it perpetuates traumatic aloneness and identifies the institution with the aggressor. Breaking these patterns requires institutional willingness to acknowledge uncomfortable truths.

Cultural and Media Representation

Cultural representations often perpetuate "confusion of tongues" by portraying exploitative adult-child relationships as affectionate or educational. Media that romanticises precocious children without recognising the "wise baby" dynamic as trauma response normalises parentification. Accurate representation of childhood trauma and its effects---informed by Ferenczi's insights---can help survivors recognise their own experience and reduce the isolation that characterises traumatic aloneness.

Limitations and Considerations

Ferenczi's work, while foundational, has important limitations that warrant acknowledgement.

Historical context and language. Ferenczi wrote in the language of early twentieth-century psychoanalysis, which can be difficult for contemporary readers. His original focus on sexual trauma, while clinically important, should be understood as one instance of the broader dynamics he described---dynamics that apply equally to emotional abuse, neglect, and other forms of childhood trauma. Contemporary readers should translate his specific examples into the broader framework his observations support.

Clinical technique controversies. Ferenczi's later technical innovations---particularly "mutual analysis," where analyst and patient analysed each other---remain controversial and are generally considered clinical errors. His theoretical insights can be separated from his technical experiments. The recognition that warmth and genuine human connection facilitate healing does not require abandoning appropriate therapeutic boundaries.

Individual variation. Not all children who experience trauma develop the patterns Ferenczi described. Protective factors---including alternative attachment figures, temperament, and later corrective experiences---moderate outcomes. Ferenczi described common patterns, not universal ones. His framework illuminates possibilities, not inevitabilities.

Lack of empirical validation. Ferenczi's observations were clinical, not experimental. While subsequent research---particularly in attachment theory, neuroscience, and trauma studies---has vindicated many of his observations, the specific mechanisms he proposed have not been directly tested. His concepts should be understood as clinically useful frameworks rather than proven mechanisms.

Historical Context

"Confusion of Tongues" was presented at the International Psychoanalytic Congress in Wiesbaden in September 1932, during the final year of Ferenczi's life. The paper marked the culmination of his clinical evolution away from Freud's abandonment of the seduction theory---Freud's retreat from recognising real childhood sexual abuse to emphasising childhood fantasy.

The reception was hostile. Ernest Jones later described the paper as evidence of Ferenczi's mental deterioration (a claim now recognised as character assassination). Freud, who had been shown the paper in advance, tried to dissuade Ferenczi from presenting it. The rift between Ferenczi and Freud, who had been close collaborators for over two decades, was never healed. Ferenczi died in May 1933, his reputation damaged by the controversy.

The paper was not published in the International Journal of Psycho-Analysis until 1949, sixteen years after Ferenczi's death and four years after Freud's. This suppression represents one of the most consequential acts of institutional denial in the history of psychology. Had Ferenczi's insights been available, subsequent understanding of trauma might have developed decades earlier.

Ferenczi's rehabilitation began in the 1980s with the recovered memory debates and the growing recognition of childhood sexual abuse as a widespread problem. Jeffrey Masson's controversial book The Assault on Truth (1984) brought attention to the suppression of Ferenczi's work. Contemporary trauma researchers---including Judith Herman, Bessel van der Kolk, and Allan Schore---have acknowledged Ferenczi as a forerunner whose clinical observations anticipated their findings.

Today, Ferenczi is recognised as one of the most innovative and clinically sensitive of the early psychoanalysts. His willingness to take patients' accounts of trauma seriously, at great professional cost, is seen as courageous rather than pathological. The dynamics he described---identification with the aggressor, confusion of tongues, traumatic aloneness---remain central to contemporary understanding of complex trauma and its treatment.

Confusion of Tongues Between Adults and the Child

APA Citation