Ronningstam, E. (2005) | References | Narcissus and the Child

What This Research Found

Elsa Ronningstam's Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality provides the most comprehensive clinical guide to narcissistic personality disorder available, synthesising psychoanalytic theory, empirical research, and decades of clinical experience at McLean Hospital. This work has shaped how clinicians understand, assess, and treat NPD, revealing the condition's complexity beneath familiar stereotypes.

The instability beneath apparent confidence. Ronningstam's central insight challenges the common perception of narcissists as simply arrogant. She demonstrates that narcissistic self-esteem is fundamentally unstable, oscillating between grandiosity and devastating emptiness. This fluctuation explains the narcissist's constant need for external validation: without stable internal self-worth, they require continuous external confirmation of their value. The grandiose facade is defensive architecture, not genuine confidence. Minor slights or failures that others would absorb can trigger catastrophic self-esteem collapse in the narcissist, producing the narcissistic rage that partners and children learn to fear.

The role of shame in narcissistic functioning. Ronningstam identifies shame as central to understanding narcissism, though narcissists rarely experience it consciously. The entire narcissistic personality structure exists to defend against intolerable shame. Grandiosity proclaims "I am superior" to ward off the feeling "I am worthless." Contempt for others ("They are beneath me") defends against envy and inadequacy. Devaluation of former idealised figures prevents the shame of having admired someone who disappointed. When defenses fail and shame breaks through, the result is often either explosive rage (externalising the unbearable feeling) or severe depression and suicidal ideation. Understanding shame's role helps explain why narcissists cannot tolerate criticism and why they attack those who threaten their self-image.

The spectrum of narcissistic presentation. Ronningstam distinguishes between grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism, demonstrating that the same underlying pathology manifests through different defensive strategies. Grandiose narcissists display overt superiority, demand attention openly, and react to challenge with dismissal or rage. Vulnerable narcissists hide grandiosity behind apparent insecurity, seek validation through victimhood or special suffering, and react to criticism with shame, withdrawal, and passive aggression. Many narcissists oscillate between presentations depending on whether narcissistic supply is abundant or depleted. This spectrum challenges simplistic portrayals and helps clinicians recognise narcissism in its less obvious forms.

The assessment challenge. Ronningstam devotes significant attention to why NPD is so difficult to diagnose accurately. Narcissists present differently depending on context: grandiose in situations providing supply, vulnerable when supply fails, charming and reasonable during evaluations where they can manage impressions. They rarely present with narcissism as their chief complaint, instead seeking help for depression, relationship problems, or crises that threaten their self-regard. Single-session assessments capture snapshots rather than the pervasive patterns diagnosis requires. Cultural factors shape narcissistic expression, and gender biases affect which presentations get recognised. Accurate assessment requires longitudinal observation, collateral information, and careful attention to how the patient relates to the assessor.

How This Research Is Used in the Book

Ronningstam's work appears throughout Narcissus and the Child as a foundational framework for understanding narcissistic personality and its impact on relationships. In Chapter 2: The Four Masks, her work illuminates how cultural context shapes narcissistic expression:

"The Asian executive who insists his family name demands deference, the Middle Eastern patriarch whose honour requires absolute obedience---these may represent culturally shaped narcissism that Western diagnostic criteria miss... The underlying pathology---fragile self-esteem defended through grandiosity, exploitation of others, empathy deficits---seems to transcend culture but its expression definitely does not."

In the same chapter, Ronningstam's insights frame the diagnostic challenges clinicians face:

"Assessment itself compounds the confusion. Cluster B individuals present differently depending on context and psychological state. The narcissist in crisis appears borderline. The borderline in a stable period seems merely histrionic. The antisocial facing legal consequences strategically presents as traumatised and vulnerable. Single-session assessments capture snapshots, not portraits."

In Chapter 3: The Anxious Sibling, the book uses Ronningstam's framework to explain the narcissist's distinctive emotional fortress:

"Where borderlines are consumed by emotions, narcissists fortress against them. Ask a narcissist about their feelings and watch the deflection: 'I don't really do emotions'---said with pride, as though describing an accomplishment. Depression is weakness. Anxiety is for lesser people. Vulnerability is contemptible."

The book also draws on Ronningstam's analysis to distinguish image-driven narcissism from impulse-driven antisocial patterns, explaining why narcissists are often more dangerous in positions of power: their careful image management allows them to maintain authority longer while inflicting sustained harm.

Why This Matters for Survivors

If you lived with or loved a narcissist, Ronningstam's research helps make sense of the contradictions that may have left you questioning your own perceptions.

The confidence you saw was performance, not reality. You may have been drawn initially to what seemed like supreme self-assurance, someone who knew who they were and what they wanted. Ronningstam reveals that this apparent confidence conceals profound instability. The narcissist's self-esteem fluctuates wildly, requiring constant external reinforcement. This explains why your admiration was never enough, why your reassurance provided only temporary relief, and why any perceived slight triggered disproportionate rage. You were not failing to adequately support a confident person; you were trying to fill an unfillable void.

Your authentic self was invisible because they could not access their own. Ronningstam explains that narcissists relate to others primarily as sources of narcissistic supply, not as separate individuals with valid inner lives. This is not deliberate cruelty but structural incapacity. The narcissist has no stable authentic self to bring to relationship, only a defensive facade requiring constant maintenance. When you expressed genuine feelings, asserted needs, or revealed vulnerability, you were not being seen by someone who chose to ignore you. You were encountering someone who lacks the internal equipment to perceive authentic selfhood in others because they cannot perceive it in themselves.

The idealisation and devaluation cycle was about them, not you. Ronningstam's framework explains why you went from being "the best thing that ever happened" to being worthless in the narcissist's eyes. During idealisation, you served as a mirror reflecting the grandiose self-image. When you inevitably failed to maintain that reflection perfectly---by having your own needs, expressing disagreement, or simply being human---you triggered their shame and became a threat. Devaluation protects the narcissist from acknowledging that someone they needed could disappoint them. Your "fall from grace" reflected their defensive needs, not any actual change in your worth.

Understanding does not mean you could have fixed them. Ronningstam's work, while providing clinical approaches to treatment, also makes clear how resistant NPD is to change. The same defenses that prevent narcissists from accessing their shame also prevent them from engaging genuinely in therapy. Survivors sometimes believe that if they had understood better, explained more clearly, or loved more completely, they could have reached the wounded person beneath the grandiosity. Ronningstam's research suggests this belief, while compassionate, underestimates how thoroughly the narcissistic personality structure protects against the very vulnerability that healing would require.

Clinical Implications

For psychiatrists, psychologists, and trauma-informed clinicians, Ronningstam's work provides essential guidance for both assessing narcissistic pathology and treating its victims.

Assessment requires longitudinal perspective and multiple sources. Single evaluations, no matter how thorough, may miss NPD entirely or misdiagnose its presentation. The narcissist's capacity for impression management means they can appear charming, reasonable, even self-deprecating during assessment, displaying none of the coercive control or manipulation their partners describe. Ronningstam recommends gathering collateral information from partners, family members, or colleagues who have experienced the patient's patterns over time. Observing how the patient relates to the assessor provides crucial data: watch for subtle devaluation, competitive dynamics, need to impress, and discomfort with questions that approach shame-laden material.

Distinguish narcissistic from borderline presentations carefully. Both disorders share unstable self-esteem and interpersonal difficulties, but the underlying dynamics differ profoundly. Borderline patients desperately seek connection and fear abandonment; narcissistic patients seek admiration and fear exposure of inadequacy. Borderline patients experience emotions as overwhelming; narcissistic patients defend against emotions as threatening. Borderline patients often hate themselves; narcissistic patients often hate what threatens their self-image. Misdiagnosis leads to inappropriate treatment: approaches effective for borderline may reinforce narcissistic defenses, while approaches for narcissism may traumatise borderline patients.

Expect the therapeutic relationship to become the central challenge. Narcissistic patients cannot tolerate the one-down position of needing help. They will attempt to impress, compete with, or devalue the therapist. Initial idealisation ("You're the first person who really understands me") will inevitably give way to devaluation when the therapist fails to provide unlimited admiration or challenges defensive patterns. Ronningstam advises maintaining empathy for the wounded person beneath the grandiosity while refusing to collude with the false self. This requires unusual therapeutic stamina and robust self-care.

Address shame sensitivity with care. Premature interpretation of narcissistic defenses triggers narcissistic injury and treatment dropout. Ronningstam recommends approaching shame indirectly, allowing patients to discover their own patterns rather than having them pointed out. When shame does emerge, help the patient tolerate it without immediate resort to defensive grandiosity. This work is slow, often spanning years, with frequent setbacks. Accept that many narcissistic patients will leave treatment before meaningful change occurs.

Survivors of narcissistic abuse require specialised understanding. Patients who were raised by or partnered with narcissists present with distinct clinical features: shattered self-worth, difficulty trusting their own perceptions, trauma bonds that persist despite conscious understanding, and often hypervigilance to criticism or signs of disapproval. Ronningstam's framework helps clinicians understand what these patients endured: relationships with people who could not see them as separate beings, who oscillated unpredictably between idealisation and devaluation, whose needs always superseded theirs. Treatment must prioritise rebuilding the patient's sense of being a valid, perceivable person.

Broader Implications

Ronningstam's comprehensive analysis of narcissistic personality extends beyond individual diagnosis and treatment to illuminate patterns across social systems.

The Assessment Challenge in Legal and Custody Contexts

Family courts and forensic evaluators regularly encounter narcissistic individuals, often in high-conflict divorce and custody disputes. Ronningstam's work highlights how easily such individuals can manipulate evaluations: they present well initially, tell compelling stories positioning themselves as victims, and describe former partners in ways that trigger evaluator bias. Understanding that narcissists can appear reasonable, even charming, in structured settings while behaving destructively in intimate relationships should inform how custody evaluators weight direct observation versus collateral information. The parent who seems cooperative in evaluation may be the same person who uses children as narcissistic supply and conducts parental alienation campaigns.

Workplace Recognition and Management

Narcissistic leaders present particular challenges for organisations. Ronningstam's insight that narcissists are driven by image rather than impulse explains why they often succeed professionally: their careful management of appearances, their confidence that impresses superiors, their willingness to take credit for others' work. But the same framework predicts their eventual destructiveness: they cannot tolerate subordinates who outshine them, they experience legitimate feedback as attack, and they create toxic environments of devaluation and favouritism. Organisations that understand narcissistic functioning can design systems that limit damage: distributed authority, anonymous feedback mechanisms, and clear boundaries around acceptable behaviour.

Mental Health Training and Education

Ronningstam's work reveals significant gaps in how clinicians are trained to work with personality disorders. Many therapists receive inadequate education about NPD, leading them either to avoid these patients entirely or to apply inappropriate treatments. The nuances of assessment, the challenges of therapeutic engagement, and the specific countertransference risks with narcissistic patients require specialised training that most programmes do not provide. Mental health systems might consider developing specialised tracks for personality disorder treatment, ensuring appropriate referral pathways for clinicians who encounter these patients.

Public Understanding and Media Representation

Popular culture increasingly uses "narcissist" as a casual insult, losing the clinical precision Ronningstam brings. This both trivialises the disorder and makes it harder for genuine victims to be believed. When everyone's difficult ex is labelled narcissistic, the term loses meaning, and those who experienced actual pathological narcissism find their suffering minimised. Accurate public education about what NPD actually involves, its relative rarity at the disorder level, and its genuine destructiveness could improve recognition while reducing misuse of clinical terminology.

Intergenerational Transmission and Prevention

Ronningstam's developmental perspective suggests prevention possibilities. If narcissistic pathology develops from specific patterns of early experience, particularly cold, unpredictable, or excessively idealising caregiving, then supporting vulnerable parents might reduce transmission to the next generation. Early intervention with at-risk families, accessible mental health services for new parents, and education about children's emotional needs could potentially interrupt intergenerational cycles of narcissistic dysfunction.

Research Methodology and Future Directions

The field's ability to study NPD is hampered by the disorder's nature: narcissists rarely volunteer for research, drop out of longitudinal studies, and provide unreliable self-reports. Ronningstam's work suggests methodological innovations: using partner and family reports alongside self-assessment, studying clinical populations where narcissists present for other reasons, and developing assessment tools that circumvent impression management. Understanding the limitations of current research helps interpret findings appropriately while pointing toward more robust approaches.

Limitations and Considerations

Ronningstam's influential work has important limitations that warrant acknowledgment.

Clinical sample bias. Ronningstam's framework derives primarily from narcissistic patients who presented for treatment, often following crisis or at others' insistence. These individuals may differ systematically from the larger population of people with NPD who never seek help. The narcissists who reach clinicians may be those whose defenses have partially failed, whose functioning has deteriorated, or who face external pressure. The most successful narcissists, those whose grandiosity is rewarded by professional or social success, may never appear in clinical samples, limiting generalisability.

Cultural and historical context. The framework was developed primarily through work with Western, predominantly white, patients in academic medical settings. How narcissism manifests across cultures, how it interacts with different family structures and value systems, and whether the same developmental pathways apply universally remain incompletely understood. What constitutes pathological grandiosity versus culturally normative self-presentation varies across societies in ways the current framework may not fully capture.

The measurement challenge. Narcissism resists straightforward measurement. Self-report instruments are compromised by narcissists' impression management and limited self-insight. Structured interviews require trained clinicians and substantial time. Informant reports may reflect relationship conflict rather than objective assessment. The field lacks consensus on how to operationalise and measure the constructs Ronningstam describes, limiting rigorous empirical validation.

Treatment evidence remains limited. While Ronningstam provides extensive clinical guidance, randomised controlled trials of NPD treatment are scarce due to the disorder's nature: patients who refuse to acknowledge problems do not volunteer for treatment studies, and those who do enrol frequently drop out. The clinical wisdom Ronningstam synthesises, while valuable, has not been subjected to the empirical testing applied to treatments for other conditions.

Historical Context

Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality appeared in 2005, during a significant transition in how personality disorders were understood and treated. The field was moving beyond purely psychoanalytic formulations, which often seemed imprecise and unvalidated, toward empirically informed approaches that could be tested and refined. Yet something was being lost in this transition: the clinical depth and nuance that decades of psychoanalytic work with narcissistic patients had accumulated.

Ronningstam's work bridges these traditions. Drawing on her psychoanalytic training and clinical experience while engaging seriously with empirical research, she produced a synthesis that neither dismissed clinical wisdom nor ignored scientific standards. This integration proved valuable for clinicians who needed practical guidance grounded in evidence but not constrained to what randomised trials had validated.

The book also appeared as interest in personality disorders was increasing both professionally and publicly. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual was undergoing revision, with debates about how to classify personality pathology. Popular psychology was discovering narcissism, though often in oversimplified form. Ronningstam's comprehensive treatment provided a resource for clinicians seeking depth beyond sound-bite characterisations.

Her subsequent work has continued to shape the field. She served on the DSM-5 Personality and Personality Disorders Work Group, contributed to the dimensional model of personality pathology in DSM-5 Section III, and has published extensively on self-esteem fluctuation, emotion regulation, and treatment alliance in NPD. The 2005 book remains a foundational text, with its core insights validated and extended by subsequent research.

Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality

APA Citation