Bancroft, L. (2002) | References | Narcissus and the Child

What This Research Found

Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? represents one of the most comprehensive and unflinching examinations of abusive behaviour ever published. Drawing on over fifteen years of direct clinical work with abusive men—in counselling settings, court-mandated intervention programmes, and custody evaluations—Bancroft reveals what drives controlling and violent behaviour from the perspective of someone who has spent thousands of hours listening to abusers explain themselves.

The root cause is entitlement, not emotion. Bancroft's central and most important finding challenges the common assumption that abuse stems from anger problems, childhood trauma, mental illness, or substance abuse. While these factors may be present, they are not the cause. The cause is a deeply held belief system: the abuser genuinely believes he has the right to control his partner, that his needs should take precedence, that her role is to serve him, and that he is justified in punishing her when she fails to meet his expectations. This is not emotional dysregulation—it is entitlement. The abuse is not something that happens to the abuser; it is something he does because it works.

Abuse is strategic, not impulsive. Bancroft demonstrates that abusers make choices about their behaviour. They choose when to explode and when to remain calm. They rage at home but maintain composure at work. They intimidate their partner behind closed doors but present as charming and reasonable to outsiders. This selectivity proves the abuse is volitional—if it were truly about "losing control," the abuser would not be able to control when and where the loss occurs. The coercive control is calculated, even when the abuser himself does not consciously recognise the calculation.

Abusers employ a predictable toolkit of tactics. Bancroft catalogues the manipulation strategies abusers use: gaslighting (making the victim doubt her own perceptions), isolation from friends and family, financial control, threats and intimidation, weaponisation of children, the "crazy-making" of unpredictable mood shifts, DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), and intermittent reinforcement through cycles of abuse and false remorse. These tactics serve to establish and maintain control while keeping the victim off-balance and invested in the relationship.

Genuine change is possible but rare. Bancroft is honest about outcomes: in his extensive experience, true transformation is uncommon. This is because genuine change requires the abuser to surrender the entitlement and control that abuse provides—and most are unwilling to do so. They may make temporary improvements during crises, but the entitled attitudes remain intact. Real change requires accepting full responsibility without excuses, giving up the privilege of controlling another person, developing genuine respect for the partner's autonomy, and accepting her anger without retaliation. Most abusers are not willing to relinquish what they have come to see as their rights.

How This Research Is Used in the Book

Bancroft's work appears throughout Narcissus and the Child to illuminate the psychology of narcissistic abuse and its effects on families. In Chapter 1: The Face in the Pool, Bancroft's analysis of entitlement explains why narcissists treat others as objects:

"Entitlement enables exploitation. Others exist as functions, not persons."

This passage connects narcissistic entitlement to the objectification of partners and children—they are valued only for what they provide, not for who they are. The narcissist's sense that their needs automatically take precedence enables the exploitation Bancroft documents.

In Chapter 12: The Unseen Child, Bancroft's work illuminates the scapegoat dynamic in narcissistic families:

"When there's a scapegoat to blame, no one has to look at the real sources of family problems. The narcissistic parent's abuse, addiction, infidelity, or failure can all be attributed to the stress of dealing with the 'problem child.' Other family members collude in this scapegoating because it offers them relative safety from the narcissist's rage."

This insight explains how narcissistic family systems designate one child to carry the family's dysfunction—protecting the narcissist from accountability while damaging the scapegoat profoundly.

In Chapter 16: The Gaslit Self, Bancroft's analysis helps explain why gaslighting is so effective:

"Unlike other lies or manipulations targeting specific facts, gaslighting attacks the victim's capacity to know what is real."

Bancroft's documentation of how abusers systematically undermine their victims' perception of reality provides clinical grounding for understanding this particularly insidious tactic.

In Chapter 19: Protecting Yourself, Bancroft's courtroom strategies inform guidance for survivors navigating legal systems:

"Request specific remedies rather than general justice: this increases success."

This practical wisdom—drawn from Bancroft's extensive experience in custody cases—helps survivors advocate effectively in systems that often fail to understand abuse dynamics.

Why This Matters for Survivors

If you have experienced narcissistic abuse—whether from a partner, parent, or family system—Bancroft's work provides essential validation and insight.

You are not imagining things. Bancroft's detailed documentation of abuse tactics validates what you experienced. The gaslighting that made you doubt your own perceptions? It was intentional. The public charm that made others not believe you? Strategic. The cycles of love-bombing and devaluation that kept you off-balance? A predictable pattern. You are not crazy, oversensitive, or imagining things. What happened to you has a name, a pattern, and a cause that has nothing to do with your worth.

It was never about you. Survivors often torture themselves trying to understand what they did wrong, what they could have done differently, how they might have prevented the abuse. Bancroft is clear: the abuse was not caused by anything you did. The abuser's entitled belief system existed before you and will continue after you. No amount of love, understanding, or perfect behaviour on your part would have changed it. The abuse reflected his psychology, not your worth.

The confusion you feel makes sense. Trauma bonding, intermittent reinforcement, and the abuser's oscillation between cruelty and affection create profound psychological confusion. Bancroft explains why you might still love someone who hurt you, why you might defend them to others, why leaving feels impossible even when you know the abuse is wrong. These responses are not weakness—they are the predictable effects of the tactics used against you.

His childhood does not excuse his choices. Survivors are often encouraged—by therapists, by family, by the abuser himself—to understand the abuser's own trauma history as an explanation for his behaviour. Bancroft challenges this directly: many people with terrible childhoods never become abusive, and focusing on the abuser's past often serves to generate sympathy that keeps the victim trapped. Understanding is not the same as excusing. His history may explain his attitudes, but it does not excuse his choices—and only he can make different choices.

Change is unlikely but not impossible. Bancroft offers realistic expectations: most abusers do not genuinely change because they are unwilling to surrender the control and privilege abuse provides. This is painful to hear, but it can also be freeing. You do not need to hold out hope for a transformation that is unlikely to occur. At the same time, Bancroft does not say change is impossible—only that it requires complete accountability, sustained effort over years, and the abuser's genuine willingness to give up what he believes is his right. That willingness is rare.

Clinical Implications

For psychiatrists, psychologists, and trauma-informed healthcare providers, Bancroft's work has direct implications for assessment and treatment.

Abuse requires a different clinical lens than general mental health issues. Bancroft cautions against conceptualising abuse through a standard mental health framework—as anger dysregulation to be managed, as trauma to be healed, as attachment injury to be repaired. While abusers may have mental health issues, treating those issues will not address the entitled belief system that drives the abuse. Therapists who try to "help" abusers process their feelings or understand their childhood trauma often inadvertently validate their self-perception as victims and provide new therapeutic language to use against their partners.

Couples therapy is contraindicated when abuse is present. This is one of Bancroft's most important clinical warnings. Couples therapy assumes two people contributing to relational dysfunction—a framework that does not apply when one person is systematically controlling and harming the other. Couples therapy can endanger the victim (the abuser may punish her for what she said in session), provide the abuser with new information to use against her, and legitimise his complaints while minimising the abuse. Individual therapy for the victim—focused on safety, validation, and support—should be the priority.

Victims' seemingly irrational behaviour is trauma response. Clinicians must understand that victims' actions—returning to abusers, defending them, minimising abuse, failing to protect children—are not character flaws or evidence that the abuse "isn't that bad." These are trauma responses to coercive control. The victim's reality has been systematically distorted; her support network has been dismantled; she may be financially trapped or fear for her children. Judgment from clinicians adds to her burden; understanding her constraints helps her find a path forward.

Safety planning must precede trauma processing. For clients currently in abusive relationships, safety must be the first priority—not emotional processing, not insight, not understanding the abuser's psychology. Help the client assess danger, develop safety plans, build external support, and secure resources. Trauma therapy with a client who returns home to an abuser can be destabilising and potentially dangerous. Bancroft's work helps clinicians understand the dynamics that make leaving so difficult, enabling more realistic and supportive interventions.

Abuser intervention requires specialised programmes. Therapists without specific training in domestic violence should not attempt to treat abusers. Standard therapeutic approaches—empathy, validation, exploring childhood wounds—can reinforce the abuser's self-perception as victim. Effective abuser intervention programmes focus on challenging entitled beliefs, holding abusers accountable for their choices, and teaching respect for partner autonomy—a very different approach than trauma therapy. Even these programmes have modest success rates, and completion does not guarantee change.

Broader Implications

Bancroft's analysis of abuser psychology extends far beyond individual relationships to illuminate patterns across families, institutions, and society.

The Intergenerational Transmission of Abuse

Children who witness or experience abuse do not inevitably become abusers—but they often absorb the entitled attitudes that enable abuse. A child who sees his father control his mother, and sees that control rewarded with compliance, learns that men are entitled to women's service. A child who is told that his rage is acceptable but his sister's assertiveness is not learns gender-based entitlement. Bancroft's work suggests that preventing intergenerational transmission requires addressing these attitudes directly, not merely treating trauma symptoms.

Relationship Patterns in Adulthood

Survivors of narcissistic families often find themselves in abusive adult relationships, which can feel like re-traumatisation or personal failure. Bancroft's analysis helps explain this pattern: when coercive control is your template for intimacy, controlling behaviour can feel normal—even loving. The jealousy reads as devotion; the intensity reads as passion; the possessiveness reads as commitment. Recovery includes developing the capacity to recognise entitled attitudes in potential partners and to choose relationships characterised by mutual respect rather than control.

Workplace and Organisational Dynamics

Narcissistic and entitled behaviour is not confined to intimate relationships. Bancroft's analysis of how abusers think—their belief in their own superiority, their sense that rules apply to others but not to them, their use of charm and intimidation to control others—applies to workplace bullies, authoritarian managers, and organisational cultures that enable abuse of power. Understanding the psychology of entitlement helps organisations recognise and address toxic leadership before it damages employees.

Legal and Policy Considerations

Bancroft's work has been influential in reshaping how legal systems understand domestic abuse. His testimony as an expert witness has helped courts recognise that psychological abuse is as damaging as physical violence, that abusers often present well in legal settings, and that custody decisions must account for abuse dynamics. His analysis of how abusers use children as weapons supports the development of legal frameworks that prioritise child safety over parental rights. Family courts increasingly draw on Bancroft's work to understand why abused mothers' attempts to protect their children should not be pathologised as "parental alienation."

Institutional Responses to Abuse

Bancroft's documentation of how abusers manipulate systems—presenting as the reasonable one while painting the victim as unstable—has implications for how institutions respond to abuse allegations. Police, child protective services, courts, and workplaces need training to recognise these dynamics. Otherwise, institutional responses can inadvertently support the abuser (who presents well) while failing the victim (who may appear distressed, inconsistent, or "difficult"). Trauma-informed institutional design requires understanding the abuser's playbook.

Cultural and Media Representation

The narratives we tell about abuse matter. When media portrays abusers as monsters who snap, or as troubled men driven to violence by their partners' behaviour, it reinforces misconceptions that help abusers escape accountability. Bancroft's reframing—abuse stems from entitlement, not emotional dysregulation—challenges these narratives. Cultural change requires stories that show abuse as it actually is: calculated, strategic, and rooted in beliefs about who has the right to control whom.

Limitations and Considerations

Bancroft's work, while essential, has limitations that inform how we apply it.

The focus on male abusers of female partners. Bancroft explicitly addresses heterosexual relationships with male perpetrators and female victims, reflecting the statistical reality that this configuration accounts for the majority of severe domestic violence. However, abuse occurs in all relationship types—same-sex couples, relationships with female abusers, and non-binary configurations. While the core dynamics of entitlement and control likely apply across configurations, the specific cultural scripts and barriers to help-seeking differ.

Clinical observation rather than controlled research. Bancroft's insights derive from extensive clinical experience rather than controlled empirical research. His work is observational and qualitative—powerful for generating understanding but not meeting the evidentiary standards of randomised controlled trials. His claims about abusers' psychology, while consistent with clinical literature, have not been tested against control groups.

Cultural context may vary. Bancroft's work emerged from North American clinical settings and may not fully capture how abuse dynamics play out in other cultural contexts. Attitudes about gender, relationships, and family vary across cultures, potentially affecting how entitlement manifests and is addressed. Clinicians working cross-culturally should adapt these principles to local context.

Not all narcissists are physically violent. Bancroft's work focuses on controlling and violent men, with significant attention to physical abuse. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse experience psychological manipulation, emotional abuse, and coercive control without physical violence. The absence of physical violence does not mean the absence of abuse, and Bancroft's analysis of psychological tactics applies even when violence is not present.

Historical Context

Why Does He Do That? was published in 2002, building on Bancroft's clinical work throughout the 1980s and 1990s. This period saw significant evolution in understanding domestic violence. The battered women's movement of the 1970s had brought domestic abuse into public consciousness; shelters and advocacy organisations had proliferated; legal reforms were underway.

However, understanding of why abusers abuse remained limited. Explanations focused on factors like alcohol, anger problems, or the abuser's own victimisation—frameworks that often generated sympathy for abusers while implicitly suggesting victims could change the behaviour by addressing these underlying causes. Bancroft's contribution was to centre abuser psychology on choice and entitlement rather than dysfunction and victimhood.

The book drew on the pioneering work of feminist scholars like Lenore Walker (the "cycle of violence") and Evan Stark (coercive control), while adding the crucial insider perspective of someone who had worked directly with perpetrators. Bancroft could report what abusers themselves said—the justifications, the minimisations, the genuine belief in their own victimhood—providing evidence that could not be dismissed as theoretical.

Why Does He Do That? became a word-of-mouth phenomenon, particularly among survivors who found their experiences finally named and validated. It remains one of the most recommended books for anyone trying to understand abusive relationships, used by therapists, domestic violence advocates, and survivors themselves. Its influence can be seen in the growing legal recognition of coercive control, trauma-informed approaches to domestic violence, and public discourse that increasingly frames abuse as a choice rather than a loss of control.

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

APA Citation