In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

What This Research Found

George K. Simon’s In Sheep’s Clothing represents a paradigm shift in understanding manipulative behaviour. Drawing on over two decades of clinical experience with both manipulators and their victims, Simon challenges the conventional assumption that people who exploit others are fundamentally wounded individuals acting from insecurity and unconscious impulse. Instead, he documents a category of personality he terms “covert-aggressive”—individuals who pursue their goals through hidden aggression and manipulation while maintaining a facade of reasonableness that makes them difficult to confront or escape.

The core distinction is between neurosis and character disturbance. Simon argues that most therapeutic training prepares clinicians to treat neurosis—excessive anxiety, guilt, and self-doubt in people whose consciences work overtime. But a growing segment of the population displays the opposite pattern: character disturbance, where the fundamental problem is not emotional suffering but inadequate character development. The neurotic has too much conscience; the character-disturbed has too little. This distinction matters because therapeutic approaches designed for neurosis—inviting self-reflection, exploring underlying wounds, offering empathy and understanding—can backfire catastrophically with character-disturbed individuals, who learn to exploit these approaches rather than benefit from them.

The covert-aggressive personality is especially dangerous precisely because of their concealment. Unlike the overtly aggressive person who is easily identified and avoided, the covert-aggressive masks their aggression behind a veneer of charm, reasonableness, and apparent goodwill. They pursue power and control just as relentlessly as any overt aggressor, but through tactics designed to avoid detection. They know that open aggression invites resistance, so they fight their battles through subtle manipulation—all while maintaining plausible deniability. Victims often sense something is wrong but struggle to articulate it because the aggression is hidden beneath apparent concern, helpfulness, or victimhood.

Simon identifies specific manipulation tactics that covert-aggressives employ systematically. These include: minimisation (downplaying the significance of their behaviour), lying by omission (selectively sharing information), rationalisation (providing elaborate justifications that sound reasonable but serve exploitation), diversion (changing the subject when confronted), evasion (giving responses that seem like answers but aren’t), covert intimidation (subtle threats that maintain deniability), guilt-tripping (exploiting the victim’s conscience), shaming (attacking the victim’s character rather than addressing their own behaviour), playing the victim (reversing roles to generate sympathy—a pattern clinicians now recognise as DARVO), vilifying the victim (making the person who raises concerns seem like the aggressor), seduction (using charm to disarm and manipulate—related to what survivors describe as love-bombing), projecting blame (attributing their own motivations to others), and feigning innocence (pretending harm was accidental). Recognising these tactics as they occur—rather than only in retrospect—is essential for protection.

The key insight is that manipulators generally know what they’re doing and choose to do it. This contradicts the dominant therapeutic narrative that problematic behaviour stems from unconscious wounds. Simon’s clinical experience consistently showed that character-disturbed individuals understood social rules perfectly—that’s precisely how they manipulated them so effectively. They simply disagreed with those rules or considered themselves exempt. They weren’t acting from impulse they couldn’t control; they were making calculated decisions that prioritised their interests over others’ wellbeing. This reframe is difficult for victims to accept because it forecloses the hope that the right explanation, enough love, or sufficient understanding will reach the manipulator. But it’s ultimately empowering: you cannot therapise someone into developing a conscience they’ve chosen not to use.

How This Research Is Used in the Book

Simon’s work appears in Chapter 19: Protection and Escape, where his framework illuminates why standard boundary-setting approaches fail with narcissists and what must replace them. The chapter uses Simon’s concept of character disturbance to explain why boundaries with narcissists differ fundamentally from boundaries in healthy relationships:

“Time boundaries trigger particular narcissistic rage. Your time belongs to them; any use of it for others or yourself is theft. They might call or text constantly, expecting immediate responses. They create crises that demand immediate attention. They schedule things without consulting you then rage when you have conflicts. They see work and family as competition for your attention. The message is clear: your time is not yours to allocate.”

This passage illustrates the entitlement that Simon identifies as central to character disturbance: the fundamental belief that rules governing others don’t apply to them, that their needs automatically take precedence. The narcissist isn’t confused about your boundaries—they’re asserting that you have no right to them.

Simon’s work is also cited regarding the futility of threats with manipulative individuals:

“Implement consequences without threats. Threats become challenges they feel compelled to overcome. Instead, simply implement consequences when boundaries are violated. If the boundary is ‘I will end the call if you raise your voice’ and they raise their voice, end the call without warning. The consequence teaches more effectively than words. ‘You hung up on me!’ ‘Yes. Call back when you can speak calmly.’ Boundaries are real, not negotiable.”

This captures Simon’s emphasis on action over explanation. Character-disturbed individuals view threats as negotiations, warnings as weaknesses to exploit. They understand consequences only when those consequences are actually enacted, consistently and without the emotional engagement they can manipulate.

Why This Matters for Survivors

If you’ve experienced manipulation from a narcissistic partner, parent, or other significant person, Simon’s framework provides both validation and direction.

Your attempts at communication were not failures of expression. You may have spent years trying to explain your needs more clearly, find the right words, speak at the right time in the right tone. You may have blamed yourself when these attempts failed, thinking you hadn’t yet found the magic formula that would help them understand. Simon’s work validates that the problem was never your communication. The manipulator understood you perfectly from the start. They simply prioritised their interests over yours and discovered that appearing not to understand was an effective manipulation tactic that kept you explaining rather than leaving.

The confusion you felt was manufactured. Gaslighting isn’t an accidental byproduct of miscommunication—it’s a deliberate tactic to keep you off-balance and uncertain. When you couldn’t articulate why you felt so unsettled despite no obvious dramatic abuse, when you doubted your own perceptions because the manipulator seemed so reasonable, when you wondered if you were the real problem—all of these were intended effects of covert aggression. The confusion protected the manipulator by making their behaviour harder to name, confront, or escape. Naming it now helps you recognise that your instincts were correct even when you couldn’t articulate why.

Your empathy was exploited, not reciprocated. If you’re someone who naturally considers others’ perspectives, who tries to understand before judging, who assumes good faith until proven otherwise—these qualities made you more vulnerable to manipulation, not less. The manipulator counted on your empathy to generate excuses they didn’t even need to provide. They exploited your tendency to see the best in others, to give second chances, to consider their difficult childhood or stressful circumstances. Simon helps you understand that these admirable qualities require protection, not suppression. You don’t need to become callous; you need to recognise that not everyone operates from the good faith you extend to them.

The only approach that works is action, not explanation. If you’re still in contact with the manipulator—through co-parenting, family obligations, or workplace necessity—Simon’s framework explains why boundary-setting must focus on consequences rather than communication. Strategies like grey rock and no contact become essential tools. Explaining your boundaries gives the manipulator information to work around. Threatening consequences invites testing and negotiation. Only consistently enacted consequences teach the character-disturbed person that manipulation carries costs. This requires a fundamental shift: you stop trying to reach them and start protecting yourself.

Clinical Implications

For psychiatrists, psychologists, and trauma-informed healthcare providers, Simon’s work has direct implications for both assessment and treatment.

Assessment must distinguish neurosis from character disturbance. The presenting concerns may look similar—relationship conflicts, anger issues, interpersonal difficulties—but the underlying dynamics and appropriate interventions differ radically. The neurotic patient genuinely suffers from their symptoms and usually wants to change. The character-disturbed patient may present as suffering but is often more concerned with manipulation than transformation. Key differentiators include: how the patient responds to gentle confrontation (the neurotic tends toward excessive self-blame while the character-disturbed deflects), whether the patient can acknowledge their own contribution to problems without reverting to victimhood, and whether they show genuine interest in change versus interest in appearing changed.

Traditional therapeutic approaches can backfire with character-disturbed individuals. Insight-oriented therapy that invites exploration of underlying wounds may provide the character-disturbed patient with a sophisticated vocabulary for excusing their behaviour. Empathic approaches may be exploited rather than healing. The therapeutic relationship itself may become another venue for manipulation. Simon recommends approaches focused on behaviour rather than insight, with clear consequences for problematic behaviour within the therapy itself—similar to principles found in dialectical behaviour therapy but applied to a different population. Therapists must be prepared to maintain boundaries even when the patient employs sophisticated manipulation tactics—including appearing to be an ideal patient.

Victims of manipulators need validation, not couples therapy. When a patient’s relational difficulties stem from being victimised by a character-disturbed individual, the appropriate intervention is very different from relationship counselling. The victim doesn’t need to communicate better or understand their partner’s perspective more deeply—they’ve likely done too much of both already. They need validation that what they experienced was manipulation, not misunderstanding. They need help recognising tactics so they don’t blame themselves. They need support in establishing boundaries with consequences. Couples therapy with an actively manipulative partner is typically contraindicated, as it provides the manipulator with new ammunition and implies shared responsibility for abuse.

Clinicians treating character-disturbed individuals need specific training and strong boundaries. Working with this population requires comfort with direct confrontation, willingness to set and enforce limits, and resistance to manipulation tactics that may target the therapist directly. Clinicians without this preparation may find themselves manipulated into enabling behaviour, providing diagnoses or documentation that serve the patient’s goals, or feeling ineffective without understanding why. Supervision from clinicians experienced with personality disorders is essential.

Pharmacological considerations are limited but relevant. Character disturbance is not primarily a neurochemical problem amenable to medication. However, when comorbid conditions are present—such as depression, anxiety, or attention deficits—appropriate pharmacotherapy may reduce some barriers to treatment. More importantly, when treating victims of manipulation, clinicians should be aware that the resulting Complex PTSD, anxiety, and depression may respond well to standard approaches once the victim understands they’re dealing with character disturbance rather than communication failure.

Broader Implications

Simon’s analysis of manipulation and character disturbance extends far beyond individual therapy to illuminate patterns across families, organisations, and society.

The Intergenerational Transmission of Character Disturbance

Children raised by manipulative parents learn distorted lessons about relationships. They may learn that exploitation is normal, that boundaries are for violating, that charm is for manipulation, and that the goal of interaction is winning rather than connecting. Intergenerational trauma in these families involves not just emotional wounds but transmission of maladaptive patterns—values and attitudes that predispose to character disturbance. Some children of manipulators become manipulators themselves, having learned these as effective strategies. Others become perpetual victims, having internalised that their needs don’t matter and their perceptions can’t be trusted. Breaking these patterns requires more than healing trauma; it requires developing the healthy character that was never modelled.

Relationship Patterns and Partner Selection

Adults who experienced manipulation in their family of origin often struggle to recognise it in romantic partners. Simon’s work helps explain why: the covert-aggressive presents as charming, attentive, and devoted during courtship. The manipulation emerges gradually, with each tactic calibrated to remain just below the threshold of clear recognition. By the time the victim understands what’s happening, trauma bonding has complicated escape. Recovery involves not just healing from specific relationships but developing the discernment to recognise covert aggression early—which initially feels like excessive suspicion because healthy trust was precisely what was exploited.

Workplace and Organisational Dynamics

Covert-aggressive personalities often thrive in organisations, where their manipulation skills translate into political success. They charm superiors while undermining peers and exploiting subordinates through triangulation and strategic information control. They take credit for others’ work while deflecting blame for their own failures. They create chaos that makes them seem indispensable as problem-solvers. Simon’s framework helps explain why some toxic individuals seem teflon-coated, surviving reorganisation after reorganisation while more principled colleagues struggle. Organisations that reward results without examining methods inadvertently select for character disturbance. Changing this requires structural interventions: 360-degree feedback, protection for those who raise concerns, and consequences for manipulation even when short-term results are positive.

Legal and Policy Considerations

The legal system often struggles with covert aggression because it leaves no physical evidence and involves plausible deniability. Family courts in particular may be manipulated by covert-aggressives who present as the reasonable parent while systematically undermining the other. Simon’s taxonomy of manipulation tactics provides language for documenting patterns that individually seem minor but cumulatively constitute abuse. Legal professionals, custody evaluators, and judges benefit from understanding covert aggression as a consistent pattern rather than isolated incidents that might be explained away.

Cultural and Media Representation

Popular psychology often reinforces the assumption that manipulators are wounded souls whose behaviour stems from their own unhealed trauma. This framing generates sympathy that manipulators exploit, while implying that victims could fix the situation through sufficient understanding and love. Simon’s work provides a corrective: while character disturbance may have developmental origins, understanding those origins doesn’t obligate anyone to tolerate exploitation. Cultural narratives that distinguish between neurosis (deserving empathy and treatment) and character disturbance (requiring boundaries and consequences) would help victims stop blaming themselves and start protecting themselves.

Public Health Framework

Viewing character disturbance as a population-level phenomenon reveals concerning trends. Simon argues that modern cultural conditions—including decreased accountability, reduced emphasis on character development, and reward structures that favour exploitation—have increased the prevalence of character disturbance. If this is accurate, public health implications are significant: more victims suffering psychological harm, more resources expended on manipulative individuals who won’t benefit from standard interventions, and more social institutions corrupted by those who game systems rather than contributing to them. Prevention efforts might focus on character education, accountability structures, and early intervention when children display manipulative patterns rather than excusing them as developmental phases.

Limitations and Considerations

Simon’s work, while clinically valuable, has limitations that inform its application.

The framework can oversimplify complex presentations. Real individuals rarely fit cleanly into categories of “neurotic” or “character-disturbed.” Many people display elements of both, and the line between genuine emotional difficulty and instrumental manipulation isn’t always clear. Clinicians should use Simon’s framework as one lens rather than a comprehensive diagnostic system. The risk of premature categorisation is particularly acute when applied by victims who may have legitimate grievances but also contribute to relational dynamics.

Distinguishing covert aggression from legitimate disagreement requires careful assessment. Not everyone who doesn’t yield to another’s position is a manipulator. Not every difficult conversation involves manipulation tactics. Simon’s taxonomy could potentially be weaponised by individuals who label any resistance to their wishes as “manipulation.” The framework is most useful when patterns are consistent across multiple relationships and contexts, when tactics escalate when they don’t work, and when the alleged manipulator’s behaviour serves their interests at significant cost to others.

The neurosis-character disturbance distinction may be more dimensional than categorical. Contemporary personality research suggests traits exist on continua rather than as discrete types. Someone might have moderate character disturbance combined with genuine anxiety, for instance. Simon’s framework is clinically useful precisely because it’s simplified, but that simplification comes at the cost of nuance.

Cultural context shapes what reads as manipulation. Direct communication styles that seem manipulative in one cultural context may be normative in another. Power dynamics related to gender, race, and class affect who can set boundaries and who faces consequences for aggression. Simon’s framework emerged from Western clinical contexts and requires cultural adaptation for broader application.

The focus on individual psychology can obscure structural factors. While character disturbance exists at the individual level, Simon notes that cultural conditions can increase its prevalence. Addressing character disturbance solely through individual intervention misses opportunities to change the structures—organisational, legal, cultural—that reward manipulation and shield manipulators from consequences.

Historical Context

In Sheep’s Clothing was first published in 1996 and substantially revised in 2010, emerging during a period when the therapeutic community operated largely from psychodynamic assumptions. The prevailing view held that problematic behaviour reflected underlying emotional wounds—that the aggressive person was really a frightened person, that the manipulator was really an insecure person, that sufficient empathy and understanding would reach the wounded core beneath the harmful exterior.

Simon’s clinical experience contradicted these assumptions. Working with both perpetrators and victims of manipulation, he consistently observed individuals who understood social rules perfectly and chose to violate them; who were not anxiety-driven but opportunistic; who did not benefit from traditional therapy but learned to exploit it. He recognised that the therapeutic community had been trained to treat neurosis but was encountering something different: character disturbance, where the problem lay in values and attitudes rather than emotional regulation.

The book built on earlier work in the psychology of aggression and antisocial behaviour but translated these concepts for a general audience of victims seeking to understand their experiences. It resonated particularly with survivors of manipulation who had spent years in therapy trying to communicate better, only to discover that communication wasn’t the problem. The book provided what they needed: validation that the manipulation was real, a taxonomy for recognising it, and permission to stop trying to reach people who had no interest in being reached.

Simon’s subsequent book, Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age (2011), expanded the theoretical framework, arguing that cultural changes had increased the prevalence of character disturbance while therapeutic training remained oriented toward neurosis. Together, these works have influenced how clinicians, abuse survivors, and the educated public understand manipulation and the personalities behind it.

The books have been particularly influential in online communities of abuse survivors, where Simon’s taxonomy provides shared vocabulary for experiences that had previously seemed unspeakable. The language of “covert aggression,” “manipulation tactics,” and “character disturbance” has become common in survivor discourse, helping victims recognise patterns, validate each other’s experiences, and resist the self-blame that manipulators cultivate.

Further Reading

• Simon, G.K. (2011). Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age. Parkhurst Brothers.
• Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.
• Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.
• Hare, R.D. (1999). Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us. Guilford Press.
• Babiak, P. & Hare, R.D. (2006). Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work. HarperCollins.
• Braiker, H.B. (2004). Who’s Pulling Your Strings? How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life. McGraw-Hill.