Carnes, P. (2019) | References | Narcissus and the Child

What This Research Found

Patrick Carnes's The Betrayal Bond stands as one of the most influential works on understanding why victims of abuse form intense emotional attachments to those who harm them. First published in 1997 and significantly revised in 2019, the book synthesises decades of clinical work with trauma and addiction populations to explain a phenomenon that seems paradoxical: the development of powerful bonds with people who exploit, abuse, or betray us.

The concept of betrayal bonds: Carnes identifies betrayal bonds as a distinct psychological phenomenon occurring when victims form intense attachments to people who are harmful to them. Unlike healthy attachment, which develops through consistent care and trust, betrayal bonds form through the specific combination of exploitation by someone in a position of power or trust, intermittent reinforcement that alternates harm with kindness, and conditions that create dependency and prevent escape. The bond is not despite the betrayal—it is because of it. The unpredictable alternation of abuse and affection creates neurobiological responses that mirror addiction.

The neurobiological mechanism: Carnes draws on addiction science to explain how betrayal bonds operate at the neurochemical level. The cycle of abuse and reconciliation creates patterns of stress hormones (during abuse) followed by reward chemicals—dopamine, oxytocin—during periods of kindness or reconciliation. This neurochemical rollercoaster progressively rewires the brain's reward system, creating genuine physiological dependency on the abuser. The victim's nervous system becomes calibrated to the cycle, experiencing relief when abuse temporarily stops and craving the "high" of reconciliation. This is not metaphorical addiction—brain imaging studies show that trauma-bonded individuals show similar patterns to those with substance dependencies.

The role of intermittent reinforcement: Central to Carnes's framework is the principle that unpredictable rewards create stronger behavioural conditioning than consistent ones. This insight, drawn from behavioural psychology, explains why narcissistic relationships create such powerful bonds. The narcissist's natural pattern—love bombing followed by devaluation, cruelty followed by occasional tenderness—is precisely the pattern that maximises attachment. Each moment of kindness reinforces hope; each instance of abuse increases the relief when it temporarily stops. Consistent abuse would be easier to leave; it is the intermittency that creates the trap.

Connection to childhood trauma: Carnes emphasises that adult betrayal bonds often have roots in childhood experiences. Children with narcissistic or abusive parents experience the original betrayal bond—attached to someone who alternates between care and harm, dependent on someone who cannot be trusted, learning that love and pain coexist. These early experiences create internal templates that make similar dynamics feel familiar, even comfortable, in adult relationships. The adult who repeatedly enters relationships with narcissists is not choosing poorly—they are unconsciously recreating patterns that their nervous system recognises as "normal." Breaking adult betrayal bonds often requires addressing these foundational experiences.

The predictable patterns of escape attempts: Carnes documents that victims typically make multiple attempts to leave before successfully breaking free—research suggests an average of seven attempts. Each "failed" attempt is reframed not as failure but as information gathering: learning what resources are needed, what obstacles exist, what support is required. The survivor who returns repeatedly is not weak; they are navigating a neurobiological challenge while gathering the tools for eventual escape.

The extinction burst: When victims attempt no contact, Carnes describes the predictable escalation that follows—the "extinction burst." The abuser, cut off from narcissistic supply, typically escalates dramatically: love bombing, rage, guilt-tripping, deploying flying monkeys, and hoovering attempts to draw the victim back. Understanding this pattern as predictable helps survivors weather the storm without capitulating. The extinction burst typically peaks within the first few weeks and diminishes over months, though hoovering may continue indefinitely at lower intensity.

Recovery timeline: Carnes's clinical experience suggests that betrayal bonds typically require 18-24 months of no contact to significantly weaken, though individual variation is substantial. This timeline often shocks survivors who expected to "just move on" after leaving. The extended recovery period reflects the depth of neurobiological rewiring that occurred during the relationship. Intrusive thoughts and emotional responses may persist for years, though they generally decrease in frequency and intensity. Recovery is possible but requires patience, support, and understanding that the process cannot be rushed.

How This Research Is Used in the Book

Carnes's work appears in Narcissus and the Child as a key framework for understanding survivor experiences after narcissistic abuse, particularly the struggle to leave and the recovery process. The research is cited in two crucial chapters dealing with protection and escape from narcissistic relationships.

In Chapter 19: Protecting Yourself, Carnes's work informs understanding of what happens after survivors implement no contact:

"Having support in place before initiating no contact helps weather this storm. The extinction burst typically peaks within the first few weeks and diminishes over months, though hoovering attempts may continue indefinitely at lower intensity."

This insight helps survivors prepare for the predictable escalation that follows boundary-setting, understanding it as a temporary test rather than evidence that they should return.

In Chapter 21: Breaking the Spell, Carnes's research provides the neurobiological framework for understanding trauma bonding:

"Research suggests it takes an average of 18-24 months of no contact for trauma bonds to significantly weaken, though some survivors report intrusive thoughts and trauma responses years after leaving. This timeline often shocks survivors who expected to 'just move on' after leaving, not understanding that their entire nervous system needs rewiring."

The book uses Carnes's work to validate the profound difficulty of leaving narcissistic relationships while providing hope that recovery is possible. The emphasis on neurobiological mechanisms helps survivors understand their attachment as a predictable response to specific conditions rather than personal weakness.

Chapter 21 also draws on Carnes's framework to explain why survivors make multiple attempts to leave:

"Each 'failed' attempt brought her closer to success by revealing what resources she needed, what knowledge she lacked, what support she required."

This reframing transforms "failure" into progress, helping survivors understand that the journey out of narcissistic abuse is typically non-linear.

Why This Matters for Survivors

If you have experienced narcissistic abuse, Carnes's work provides essential understanding for your recovery journey.

Your attachment is neurobiological, not irrational. The pull you feel toward your abuser—the person who hurt you deeply—is not evidence of poor judgment, weakness, or some character flaw. Carnes demonstrates that betrayal bonds form through specific neurobiological mechanisms when you experience intermittent reinforcement from someone in a position of power or trust. Your brain responded exactly as human brains respond to unpredictable reward patterns. The same mechanisms that make gambling addictive operate in abusive relationships. Understanding this can help you stop blaming yourself for the difficulty of leaving.

The "good times" were the trap, not evidence the relationship could work. You may have stayed—or returned—because of the good moments, believing they represented the "real" relationship that could be recovered. Carnes's research reveals that those good moments were not aberrations; they were the mechanism that created your attachment. Without the intermittent reinforcement of occasional kindness, you would have left sooner. The love bombing, the apologies, the glimpses of the person you fell in love with—these created the conditions for betrayal bonding. This wasn't your failure to see clearly; it's how the phenomenon works.

Your difficulty leaving reflects the abuse severity, not your inadequacy. People who haven't experienced betrayal bonds often wonder why victims don't "just leave." Carnes shows that the difficulty of leaving actually correlates with abuse severity and duration—longer relationships and more intense cycling create stronger bonds. If leaving felt nearly impossible, it's because the abuse was effective at creating betrayal bonding conditions. Your struggle is evidence of what was done to you, not a character flaw.

Recovery takes longer than you expect—and that's normal. The 18-24 month timeline Carnes identifies for betrayal bonds to significantly weaken often shocks survivors who expected to feel better within weeks of leaving. Your entire nervous system was rewired by the relationship; rewiring it back requires time. Expect intrusive thoughts, cravings for contact, and grief that doesn't follow a linear path. These experiences are normal parts of recovery, not signs that you made the wrong choice or that the relationship was good. The intense pull you feel early in no contact will diminish—but it takes time, and every interaction with your abuser resets the clock.

The extinction burst is temporary. When you go no contact, expect escalation: love bombing, rage, guilt-tripping, flying monkeys. Carnes calls this the extinction burst—the abuser's escalated attempts to restore supply when it's cut off. Understanding this pattern as predictable helps you weather it. The escalation typically peaks in the first few weeks. If you respond at any stage, you teach the abuser which button works. Having support in place before initiating no contact helps you endure without capitulating. The storm passes.

Breaking the bond requires addressing its roots. Carnes emphasises that adult betrayal bonds often connect to childhood experiences with narcissistic or abusive parents. If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to narcissistic partners, the pattern may reflect early programming about what relationships feel like. Recovery from your current relationship may require also examining—with appropriate therapeutic support—the family dynamics that made betrayal bonds feel familiar.

Clinical Implications

For psychiatrists, psychologists, and trauma-informed healthcare providers, Carnes's work has direct implications for assessment, treatment planning, and therapeutic approach with narcissistic abuse survivors.

Recognise betrayal bonds as addiction-like phenomena requiring specific intervention. Carnes's central insight is that betrayal bonds operate through neurobiological mechanisms similar to substance addiction. This has treatment implications: survivors may need support similar to addiction recovery, including preparation for withdrawal symptoms, development of coping strategies for cravings, understanding of relapse patterns, and realistic timeline expectations. Brief interventions designed for healthy relationship endings may be inappropriate for trauma-bonded clients.

Validate without enabling. Clinicians must navigate between validating the survivor's genuine attachment (which is real and has neurobiological basis) and maintaining therapeutic honesty about the relationship's harm. Carnes's framework supports acknowledging the bond's power while helping clients understand its origin and develop strategies for managing urges to return. The goal is informed agency—neither dismissing the attachment nor colluding with return to danger.

Prepare clients for the extinction burst. When survivors are ready for no contact, preparation for the abuser's escalation is essential. Clinicians should explain the predictable pattern (love bombing, rage, guilt-tripping, flying monkeys, hoovering), help clients develop responses to each stage, and establish support systems to activate during peak difficulty. Understanding the extinction burst as temporary and predictable helps survivors endure without capitulating.

Expect and address returns to the relationship. The average of seven attempts before successful departure should inform clinical expectations. Returns are normal, not shameful, and can be reframed as information-gathering about what additional resources are needed. Clinicians should explore each return with curiosity rather than judgment: What triggered it? What was missing in the support system? What can be learned for the next attempt?

Assess for childhood betrayal bonds. Adult betrayal bonds often have roots in childhood experiences with narcissistic or abusive caregivers. Treatment that addresses only the current relationship may miss the foundational template that creates ongoing vulnerability. Clinicians should assess family of origin dynamics and consider whether deeper attachment work is needed alongside current relationship processing.

Set realistic timeline expectations. Carnes's 18-24 month timeline for significant bond weakening has implications for treatment planning and managed care negotiation. Survivors of significant betrayal bonds will likely need longer treatment than standard relationship difficulties. Premature termination—when the client appears stable but the bond hasn't fully weakened—risks relapse. Advocating for appropriate treatment duration is a clinical responsibility.

Consider support groups as essential adjunct. Carnes emphasises the value of connection with others who understand betrayal bonding. Support groups provide validation, normalisation, and accountability that individual therapy alone may not achieve. Clinicians should be prepared to recommend appropriate survivor support communities alongside individual treatment.

Broader Implications

Carnes's work on betrayal bonds extends beyond individual therapy to illuminate patterns across families, institutions, and society.

The Intergenerational Transmission of Vulnerability

Children who experience betrayal bonds with parents develop internal templates that normalise the coexistence of love and harm. Their nervous systems learn that attachment involves unpredictability, that occasional affection compensates for chronic neglect or abuse, that intensity equals depth. These templates create vulnerability to betrayal bonding in adult relationships—the dynamics feel familiar, even comfortable, when healthy relationships feel flat or wrong. Intergenerational trauma includes not just transmitted symptoms but transmitted relationship templates. Intervention with parents can potentially protect children from developing vulnerability to exploitation.

Relationship Patterns Across the Lifespan

Carnes's framework explains why abuse survivors often enter multiple abusive relationships despite consciously wanting different partners. The betrayal-bonded nervous system has been calibrated to the abuse cycle; stable, consistent relationships may feel boring or suspicious. Survivors may unconsciously create conflict to recreate familiar intensity, or may select partners who provide the intermittent reinforcement their system was trained on. Recovery requires not just leaving one abuser but addressing the attachment patterns that make betrayal bonding likely. Without this deeper work, the pattern tends to repeat.

Workplace and Organisational Dynamics

The same mechanisms that create betrayal bonds in intimate relationships can operate in workplace contexts. An abusive supervisor who alternates between praise and humiliation, warmth and coldness, creates conditions for organisational betrayal bonding. Employees may become intensely loyal to toxic leaders, working excessive hours to earn approval while suffering significant harm. Carnes's framework helps explain why employees stay in abusive work environments and why leaving can feel as difficult as ending an intimate relationship. Human resources professionals and organisational consultants can apply betrayal bonding concepts to understand employee retention in toxic cultures.

Cult and Coercive Group Dynamics

Carnes explicitly connects betrayal bonding to cult dynamics. Charismatic leaders who establish power imbalance and employ intermittent reinforcement—alternating between love and punishment, approval and shaming—create betrayal bonds with followers. The same neurobiological mechanisms operate: unpredictable reward creates addiction-like attachment, dependency prevents departure, and the occasional "good" treatment maintains hope. Understanding cults through the betrayal bond framework informs exit assistance and recovery support for former members. It also explains the otherwise puzzling loyalty followers maintain toward leaders who objectively harm them.

Digital and Online Exploitation

The betrayal bond framework applies increasingly to online contexts. Digital communication enables abusers to maintain intermittent reinforcement patterns across distance—a text message of seeming affection followed by days of silence, online attention alternating with ghosting. Online predators exploit these mechanisms through grooming that creates dependency before exploitation. The same principles that create betrayal bonds in-person operate digitally, sometimes more effectively because the victim cannot observe the full picture of the abuser's behaviour. Social media platforms themselves employ intermittent reinforcement (unpredictable likes, comments, notifications) that creates attachment patterns Carnes would recognise.

Legal and Policy Considerations

Carnes's work has implications for how legal and social systems respond to abuse. Judges, police, and social workers who don't understand betrayal bonding may misinterpret survivor behaviour—continued attachment to abusers, recantation of accusations, returns after separation—as evidence against abuse rather than as predictable effects of abuse. Expert testimony about betrayal bonding can help courts understand that these behaviours are consistent with exploitation history. Policy approaches that require immediate, permanent separation without addressing the neurobiological bond are likely to fail; effective intervention must account for betrayal bonding's reality.

Prevention and Early Intervention

Understanding betrayal bonding mechanisms suggests prevention strategies. Education about intermittent reinforcement patterns could help people recognise early warning signs before bonds fully form. Addressing childhood trauma reduces vulnerability to adult exploitation. Teaching young people about healthy versus unhealthy relationship dynamics—specifically that intensity is not intimacy and unpredictability is not passion—could provide protective knowledge. Early intervention when abuse is first disclosed, before bonds fully strengthen, may be more effective than later intervention when neurobiological changes are entrenched.

Limitations and Considerations

Carnes's influential work has important limitations that inform how we apply it.

Clinical observation basis. While Carnes draws on decades of clinical experience and the framework has strong theoretical grounding, The Betrayal Bond is primarily clinical rather than empirical. The mechanisms he describes are consistent with research on intermittent reinforcement, attachment, and addiction neuroscience, but the specific claims about betrayal bonding itself derive from clinical observation rather than controlled studies. Subsequent research has generally supported the framework, but clinicians should remain aware of its observational foundations.

Timeline variation. The 18-24 month recovery timeline Carnes cites provides useful orientation but varies substantially across individuals. Factors including relationship duration, abuse severity, childhood history, support availability, and individual neurobiology all moderate recovery speed. Clinicians should avoid applying the timeline rigidly or using it to judge clients whose recovery is slower or faster than average.

Cultural considerations. Carnes's work emerged primarily from North American clinical populations. How betrayal bonding manifests across different cultural contexts—where family structures, gender roles, and relationship norms vary—requires adaptation. Cultural factors may affect what counts as betrayal, how bonds are expressed, and what recovery looks like. Clinicians working across cultures should adapt the framework to specific contexts.

Individual differences. Not all abuse victims develop betrayal bonds, even when the conditions Carnes identifies are present. Attachment style, childhood experiences, support availability, personality factors, and other variables moderate who develops betrayal bonds and how strongly. The framework describes a common pattern, not a universal one.

Distinction from other phenomena. Betrayal bonds overlap with but are not identical to Stockholm syndrome, trauma bonding, or Complex PTSD. Carnes uses "betrayal bond" specifically to emphasise the role of trust violation and exploitation, but the terminology is not always precisely distinguished in literature. Clinicians should be clear about what they mean when using these terms.

Historical Context

Patrick Carnes developed the betrayal bond concept over decades of clinical work with addiction and trauma populations. His background in addiction treatment led him to observe that the same neurobiological mechanisms underlying substance dependency appeared to operate in attachments to exploitative people. The Betrayal Bond, first published in 1997, synthesised these observations with attachment theory, behavioural psychology, and emerging trauma neuroscience.

The 1997 edition was groundbreaking in naming "betrayal bonds" as a distinct phenomenon and providing a framework that connected addiction science with relationship trauma. The book built on earlier work including Dutton and Painter's research on traumatic bonding in domestic violence and Herman's work on Complex PTSD, while adding Carnes's specific insights about the addiction-like nature of these attachments.

The 2019 revised edition incorporated advances in trauma neuroscience, including brain imaging studies that confirmed the neurobiological mechanisms Carnes had proposed clinically. It also expanded coverage of how betrayal bonding operates in digital contexts and updated the recovery framework with current therapeutic approaches.

The concept of betrayal bonds has been particularly influential in the narcissistic abuse recovery community, providing vocabulary for experiences that standard relationship frameworks couldn't capture. The framework helps survivors understand why they feel "addicted" to abusers, why leaving is so difficult, and why recovery takes longer than expected. It has also influenced clinical training, legal advocacy, and public understanding of abuse dynamics.

Carnes continues to train clinicians internationally through the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP), ensuring that the betrayal bond framework reaches practitioners working with abuse survivors.

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships

APA Citation